12 Ways Being Vulnerable Can Ruin Your Marriage

Ruining Marriage 2If you have been around Messy Marriage for any length of time, you know that I am a BIG proponent of vulnerability. Don’t get me wrong … I’m not flip-flopping on the issue of being vulnerable with who we are with our mates. That’s something we all should strive for!

I just know that …
[Tweet “There are vulnerabilities that can ruin your marriage, if you’re not watching out for them!”]

Today, I’d like to list several of the ways I’ve seen couples make themselves vulnerable to becoming messier and/or destroying their marriages all together!

12 Ways You Might Be Ruining Your Marriage …


1. When you think “Well, that won’t ever happen to me or to us!”

We all must take a “sober” or circumspect view regarding our own, as well as, our mate’s hearts and the human heart’s tendency to be deceived or led astray without Christ guiding and controlling us.

2. When you allow yourself (or your spouse) to be ALONE with a member of the opposite sex (other than a spouse) and assume that it can be kept casual and professional.

To truly avoid this means making a commitment to no lunch dates, no meetings where you’re seeking advice (especially personal advice), not even riding in a car from point A to point B unless others are present. That may sound strict or even ridiculous, but it’s exactly the point where the majority of affairs begin! Your marriage is worth the extra precaution!

3. When you stuff your anger and bitterness toward your mate and then find yourself attracted to the next nice “guy” or “gal” who pays attention to you. Go figure!

4. When you think that you can control the fantasy in your head about your coworker or the hot guy/gal next-door/at church, etc. because it’s only in your mind.

5. When you haven’t dealt with the unfinished business related to “the one that got away” and think that those feelings will also eventually just “go away” too.

6. When you post seductive selfies on Facebook, Instagram or elsewhere and don’t think it will pique another person’s interest in seeing “more of you”regardless of what your marital status says on Facebook!

7. When you flirt with certain members of the opposite sex, because “it’s all in fun.”

8. When you regularly dress to impress or attract someone of the opposite sex other than your spouse.

9. When you choose to regularly find comfort and sexual release in someone or something other than your mate.

10. When you rarely spend time connecting with your spouse in daily conversation, regular date times, or regular times of love-making.

11. When you treat your mate with disdain or disrespect on a regular basis.

12. When you’re a believer and relegate God to an occasional “add-on” or after-thought to your life and marriage.

It’s so very easy to fall prey to any of these dangerous vulnerabilities in marriage. Don’t be so foolish to ignore these “red-flags” in your life! Because if you do, you’ll be marching toward the lawyer faster than you can say, “I never thought I’d get a divorce!”

[Tweet “Don’t fall prey to the 12 Vulnerabilities I identify in marriage. #keepmarriagefaithful”]


What vulnerabilities can you add to my list?


Which ones do you think are most dangerous?

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Congrats to the FIVE randomly generated winners of our 5 Year Blogiversary giveaway! They are: Maryleigh B., Nannette E., Deborah Will, Mary F., and Andrea H. We’re so excited for all of you winners and hope that you continue to find encouragement from Messy Marriage for many more years to come!

Also, I’d love it if you’d check out my new Connect U page that gives details about an upcoming marriage workshop that my husband, Gary and I are conducting in Lynchburg, Virginia this coming Friday, Oct 23rd. We’d love it if you’d pray for us on this particular occasion, but also as we begin to offer more of these workshops in the weeks and months ahead. 🙂

Linking up with – Marriage Mondays, The Weekend Brew, Making Your Home SingMondays @ Soul Survival,  Sunday Stillness,  Sharing His Beauty, Spiritual Sundays, Words with Winter and  Playdates with God


  1. So informative. Definately all things we need to be aware of and pay attention to.

  2. WOW, Beth. Hard-hitting, powerful truth. PREACH IT!! All this points bear repeating. The enemy will slip in whenever we put down our guard. WOW. Hugs and cheers to you!! #MeCoffeeJesus

    • Yes, it’s one of those posts that definitely feels a little preachy, Sheila, but must be spoken every once in a while. In fact, I’ve been seeing an uptick in these kinds of scenarios and I sit back and cringe! I hope that people will take this list seriously and remove the blinders from their eyes! Thanks for your friendship and support!

  3. You hit the nail on the head over and over and over, Beth. Now here’s a list that all couples should grab hold of and hang on to.

    Just great stuff, girl. Fabulous.

    • Yep, Linda, just call me “MM Hammer!” ha! I promise I won’t break out into a rap song anytime soon, but I do hope that this drives an important point home. Thanks for coming by, sweet friend!

  4. Andrew Budek-Schmeisser says:

    Great post, Beth. I hope that a LOT of couples will print this out and use it as a basis for conversation, and keep it as a reality check.

    I completely agree that ‘alone time’ with anyone of the opposite sex is a no-no. It’s one area in which Billy Graham and I agree (there are LOTS of others).

    I would add a few more –

    13. When you take too much interest in an outside activity, even a Godly one…if you’re at the soup kitchen all weekend and your mate isn’t, you’re separating another aspect of your life (and, perhaps, using the Godly as an escape?). Sharing the experience is important…as long as there’s a shared commitment. Just tagging along merely sets a longer fuse on the situation.

    14. When you don’t take the time to know yourself, and the things within you that can paralyze a marriage, or cause it to deteriorate. This is what counseling’s for, and I personally feel that counseling should be an item of routine wellness checkups for the marriage. The counselor that knows you well when things are good will be far better equipped to deal with, say, the delayed onset of PTSD.

    15. When you don’t take the time to document and celebrate the good things you’ve experienced together, to preserve memory and tradition.

    16. When one of you becomes a fitness fanatic, and the other either can’t or doesn’t want to take part. This is like (13) above, but it’s also different, because extreme fitness can cause physiological effects – constant muscle soreness, the tendency for the body to rest when it can (falling asleep during foreplay can be pretty regular), and decreased libido

    17. When you have separate personal email and Facebook accounts. A shared password – and complete transparency – are vital, because emotional infidelity – even when it doesn’t become physical – can kii the heart of a marriage stone dead.


    • Wow, Andrew! Thanks for adding to the conversation and giving us many other angles in which to look at this. I started out thinking I would only give a list of ten but then kept thinking of new ones myself! I think it’s such a field ripe for discussion and one in which many are burying their heads in the sand. Thanks, as always, for your input, wisdom and friendship!

  5. Deborah Will says:

    Thanks Beth. I am excited for the win. I have been out of town, but just checked my email and I don’t have anything in my inbox or spam. Can you resend? THANK YOU! I love all those 12 ways – they are truths that will save marriages.

    • Hi Deb, I’ve sent you a second email about the giveaway. Let me know if and when you get it. You’re welcome too! It’s my pleasure to bless others!