Today I’m excited to have my good bloggy friend Ngina Otiende as my guest, offering her perspective about some of the myths new brides cling to regarding sex, while countering them with the truths she’s discovered. And even though this is for the new bride, I think every wife out there can find valuable truth in what she shares!
Wedding night intimacy is a delightful prospect for most brides. But for others, it’s a source of many butterflies and mysteries. I know because nine years ago, I was the excited but naive new bride-to-be.
As expected, my husband and I went through a learning curve when it came to sex. And about three years ago, I shared of our adventure in a blog post to encourage the bride-to-be, and hopefully lessen her learning curve.
I wasn’t ready for the hundreds of thousands who would resonate with our experiences. And as the emails and comments poured into my inbox, I discovered that what we don’t know can have as much influence in our lives, as what we do know.
So I want to share four myths (and the truth) to help us embrace truth and shed off falsehoods. John 8:32 says “And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
[bctt tweet=”It’s not the truth that sets you free; it’s the truth that you know that sets you free” username=”BethSteffaniak”]
Four myths every bride must dispel and the truth she must hold on to …
1. Sex is purely a physical experience.
For most new brides and beyond having a permanent-sleepover with your best friend, the next wondrous thing about marriage is the sex part. I was a virgin when I got married, and sexual intimacy was in the top oh-my-can’t-believe-I-get-to-do-that-with-my-husband dream.
There’s everything right with desiring sexual intimacy in marriage. Unfortunately, since it’s chiefly a physical urge, we easily relegate sexual intimacy to the physical dimension.
But sex transcends the physical. It’s a deep co-mingling of souls: two hearts woven so thick it’s described as becoming one flesh.
[bctt tweet=”Sex is two minds, emotions, hearts twirling together in a singular dance, authored by our God.” username=”BethSteffaniak”]
I found that as a new bride, when my relationship with God was distant, our bedroom suffered: sex is spiritual.
When I was distracted and planning my grocery list in the middle of lovemaking, our connection faded our: sex is mental.
When my husband and I disagreed and emptied out each other’s love tanks, connecting intimately was the last thing on our minds; sex is emotional.
Myth – Sex is only a physical act.
Truth – The author of sexual intimacy is a spiritual Being, and it’s impossible to remove the spiritual aspect from the act of sex. When we make it a physical experience alone, we rob ourselves of the richness and depth that comes from making love, God’s way.
2. God is embarrassed by sex.
Or He doesn’t want to get too involved; He’d rather we figure it out by ourselves.
Some new brides are actually shocked when they learn God wants to be involved in their sex lives. That praying and asking Him to make it fun, enjoyable, relaxing, bonding and thrilling is not sacrilege, rather it’s a conversation our Father welcomes.
Look, God created all of you, not just parts of you. You may not have considered this, but sex was part of the “very good” when He proclaimed in Genesis 1: 31 “Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good!”
If you can talk to God about your job, your finances, family, worries, and concerns, trust me, you can talk about your sex life too.
Myth: God is bothered by sex.
Truth: The best sex pours out of a sincere, openness with God – where you recognize Him as the Author of sex who wants you to thrive in your sex life.
3. God created sex for husbands to enjoy and for wives to endure.
For years as a single girl, I was part of a married women’s small group at church, and one thing I could not understand was why so many wives didn’t want sex. I mean here you are, with a full license to engage in sex and you don’t want to? It’s confounding for a single person.
And then I got married. And now I get it. There are many reasons why women struggle to utilize their unbridled license.
Somewhere along the journey of life, they were told that God created sex primarily with the husband in mind and the best gift a wife can give her husband is to learn how to service his sex drive. As long as he is happy and satisfied sexually, a woman has done her righteous role. Well done, good and faithful servant. 😉
Except that’s a lie, a perilous one at that. Because the moment we remove a wife’s enjoyment, her passion, her joy, her participation from the equation, we remove real intimacy.
The truth is, God created sex for both husband and wife to enjoy; it’s a gift to both, not one. Therefore the best gift a wife can give her husband is not just the gift of her body, but the gift of herself: her participation and engagement, her pleasure, yes, even her pursuit.
Most God-loving, bride-honoring husbands don’t want a body to have sex with; they want their bride: her whole heart, her passion, her delight, and thrill.
And so it’s important for new brides (and older ones too!) to understand that sex is not something they do for their husbands, it’s something they do together. When she (or he) struggles with libido, or sex hurts, she can seek help from mentors or counselors with the mindset, “help me so I can experience real intimacy with my husband.” Not “fix me so I can service my husband.”
4. The best sex happens on your wedding night.
Which is an awful thought if as a new bride sex hurts, disappoints, can’t happen, or is uncomfortable. 😉
The wedding night is the start of married life. But society, even the wider Christian culture has hyped it to the level of “this is the beginning and end of your sex life.”
In researching for my new book The Wedding Night: Embracing Sexual Intimacy as a New Bride, I polled 47 wives who read my newlywed blog, and most of them stated the wedding night was not the best sex they ever had. “But you have the rest of your married life to get there!” one bride exclaimed.
Myth: Wedding night sex is the best sex you will ever have.
Truth: Like all good things in marriage, an amazing sex life is a journey, where you discover and explore and learn what makes each other tick. It’s not a single encounter that shapes your destiny; rather it’s multiplied sweet (and quite possibly not so cute) encounters over the course of your married life that form sexual intimacy.
From Ngina . . .
“To celebrate the launch of my new book The Wedding Night: Embracing Sexual Intimacy as a New Bride I am giving away two copies (eBook version) to Beth’s readers!
Simply leave a comment to be entered into the draw! And when you purchase the book (Click here to purchase) and email me (Ngina (at) intentionaltoday (dot) com) a copy of your purchase receipt. Then I’ll send you information on how to access three Bonus items, including an eBook and a private video where I chat about the “4 Mistakes I Made as a New Bride.” The deadline for entering is Saturday, Sept. 9, 2017 at 7 p.m. (CST).
Ngina Otiende is a Jesus-devoted tea-loving girl who believes every marriage is meant to thrive. She’s the author of two books, including the latest The Wedding Night: Embracing Sexual Intimacy as a New Bride. She blogs at IntentionalToday.com where she creates practical resources to help the newlywed wife draw closer to God and her husband, one intentional choice at a time.
Next week I (Beth) will be back, continuing my Back to School Series with my take on what brings back the much-needed “chemistry” in a marriage that has grown cold.
What are some other tips you would offer a new bride when it comes to her sexual relationship?
What were some of the myths you, as a wife OR husband, believed before you got married?
Be sure to scroll down below to comment!
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