4 Myths Every New Bride Should Know About Sex Plus Giveaway and Linkup

Today I’m excited to have my good bloggy friend Ngina Otiende as my guest, offering her perspective about some of the myths new brides cling to regarding sex, while countering them with the truths she’s discovered. And even though this is for the new bride, I think every wife out there can find valuable truth in what she shares!

Wedding night intimacy is a delightful prospect for most brides. But for others, it’s a source of many butterflies and mysteries. I know because nine years ago, I was the excited but naive new bride-to-be.

Wedding Night SexAs expected, my husband and I went through a learning curve when it came to sex. And about three years ago, I shared of our adventure in a blog post to encourage the bride-to-be, and hopefully lessen her learning curve.

I wasn’t ready for the hundreds of thousands who would resonate with our experiences. And as the emails and comments poured into my inbox, I discovered that what we don’t know can have as much influence in our lives, as what we do know.

So I want to share four myths (and the truth) to help us embrace truth and shed off falsehoods. John 8:32 says “And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

It's not the truth that sets you free; it's the truth that you know that sets you free Click To Tweet

Four myths every bride must dispel and the truth she must hold on to … 

1. Sex is purely a physical experience.

For most new brides and beyond having a permanent-sleepover with your best friend, the next wondrous thing about marriage is the sex part.  I was a virgin when I got married, and sexual intimacy was in the top oh-my-can’t-believe-I-get-to-do-that-with-my-husband dream.

There’s everything right with desiring sexual intimacy in marriage. Unfortunately, since it’s chiefly a physical urge, we easily relegate sexual intimacy to the physical dimension.

But sex transcends the physical. It’s a deep co-mingling of souls: two hearts woven so thick it’s described as becoming one-flesh.

Sex is two minds, emotions, hearts twirling together in a singular dance, authored by our God. Click To Tweet

I found that as a new bride, when my relationship with God was distant, our bedroom suffered: sex is spiritual.

When I was distracted and planning my grocery list in the middle of love making, our connection faded our: sex is mental.

When my husband and I disagreed and emptied out each others love tanks, connecting intimately was the last thing on our minds; sex is emotional.

Myth – Sex is only a physical act.

Truth – The author of sexual intimacy is a spiritual Being, and it’s impossible to remove the spiritual aspect from the act of sex. When we make it a physical experience alone, we rob ourselves of the richness and depth that comes from making love, God’s way.

2. God is embarrassed by sex.

Or He doesn’t want to get too involved; He’d rather we figure it out by ourselves.

Some new brides are actually shocked when they learn God wants to be involved in their sex lives. That praying and asking Him to make it fun, enjoyable, relaxing, bonding and thrilling is not sacrilege, rather it’s a conversation our Father welcomes.

Look, God created all of you, not just parts of you. You may not have considered this, but sex was part of the “very good” when He proclaimed in Genesis 1: 31 “Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good!”

If you can talk to God about your job, your finances, family, worries, and concerns, trust me, you can talk about your sex life too.

Myth: God is bothered by sex.

Truth: The best sex pours out of a sincere, openness with God – where you recognize Him as the Author of sex who wants you to thrive in your sex life.

3. God created sex for husbands to enjoy and for wives to endure.

For years as a single girl, I was part of a married women’s small group at church, and one thing I could not understand was why so many wives didn’t want sex. I mean here you are, with a full license to engage in sex and you don’t want to? It’s confounding for a single person.

And then I got married. And now I get it. There are many reasons why women struggle to utilize their unbridled license.

Somewhere along the journey of life, they were told that God created sex primarily with the husband in mind and the best gift a wife can give her husband is to learn how to service his sex drive. As long as he is happy and satisfied sexually, a woman has done her righteous role. Well done, good and faithful servant. 😉

Except that’s a lie, a perilous one at that. Because the moment we remove a wife’s enjoyment, her passion, her joy, her participation from the equation, we remove real intimacy.

The truth is, God created sex for both husband and wife to enjoy; it’s a gift to both, not one. Therefore the best gift a wife can give her husband is not just the gift of her body, but the gift of herself: her participation and engagement, her pleasure, yes, even her pursuit.

Most God-loving, bride-honoring husbands don’t want a body to have sex with; they want their bride: her whole heart, her passion, her delight, and thrill.

And so it’s important for new brides (and older ones too!) to understand that sex is not something they do for their husbands, it’s something they do together. When she (or he) struggles with libido, or sex hurts, she can seek help from mentors or counselors with the mindset, “help me so I can experience real intimacy with my husband.” Not “fix me so I can service my husband.”

4. The best sex happens on your wedding night.

Which is an awful thought if as a new bride sex hurts, disappoints, can’t happen, or is uncomfortable. 😉

The wedding night is the start of married life. But society, even the wider Christian culture has hyped it to the level of “this is the beginning and end of your sex life.”

In researching for my new book The Wedding Night: Embracing Sexual Intimacy as a New Bride, I polled 47 wives who read my newlywed blog, and most of them stated the wedding night was not the best sex they ever had. “But you have the rest of your married life to get there!” one bride exclaimed.

Myth: Wedding night sex is the best sex you will ever have.

Truth: Like all good things in marriage, an amazing sex life is a journey, where you discover and explore and learn what makes each other tick. It’s not a single encounter that shapes your destiny; rather it’s multiplied sweet (and quite possibly not so cute) encounters over the course of your married life that form sexual intimacy.

From Ngina . . .

“To celebrate the launch of my new book The Wedding Night: Embracing Sexual Intimacy as a New Bride I am giving away two copies (eBook version) to Beth’s readers!

Simply leave a comment to be entered into the draw! And when you purchase the book (Click here to purchase) and email me (Ngina (at) intentionaltoday (dot) com) a copy of your purchase receipt. Then I’ll send you information on how to access three Bonus items, including an eBook and a private video where I chat about the “4 Mistakes I Made as a New Bride.” The deadline for entering is Saturday, Sept. 9, 2017 at 7 p.m. (CST). 

Ngina Otiende is a Jesus-devoted tea-loving girl who believes every marriage is meant to thrive. She’s the author of two books, including the latest The Wedding Night: Embracing Sexual Intimacy as a New Bride. She blogs at IntentionalToday.com where she creates practical resources to help the newlywed wife draw closer to God and her husband, one intentional choice at a time. Get access to Ngina’s free eBooks, including the popular “49 Things Every Newlywed Couple Should Know” when you sign up at her blog.

 

Next week I (Beth) will be back, continuing my Back to School Series with my take on what brings back the much-needed “chemistry” in a marriage that has grown cold.

 

What are some other tips you would offer a new bride when it comes to her sexual relationship?

 

What were some of the myths you, as a wife OR husband, believed before you got married?

 

Be sure to scroll down below to comment! 


Here are some lovely linkups I join – Mondays @ Soul Survival,  Moments of HopeLiterary Musing MondaysTestimony TuesdayJennifer Dukes LeeWriter WednesdayCoffee and ConversationCoffee for Your HeartSitting Among FriendsFaith and FriendsFresh Market Friday, and DanceWithJesusFriday

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  • Ngina, I think this is the best post I’ve ever written on sex. There are so many unrealistic expectations and wrong beliefs around this topic. I’m sharing this!

    • Thank you Debbie 🙂 The sad thing about these unrealistic expectations and wrong beliefs is that sometimes we are unaware of them and how much they are negatively impacting the marriage. Thank you for helping spread the message.

  • pioneerpat1

    Very nice. People forget that our sex drive is our strongest drive even over our will to live and that a husband and wife should be learning about each other, so the sex will always get better as time goes on.
    Thanks for hosting and have a wonderful week.

    • “husband and wife learning about each other” yes! That’s the way to better intimacy 🙂

  • Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

    This is a wonderful essay, Ngina…I think you have helped many people,young husbands and wives, married and ‘to-be’.

    One thing I would add is that there are some men – not many, I think – for whom sex is not a motivator. There are things that are far more important (and I am not talking about rugby, though for me, it fits…)

    Seriously, I’m one of them. I was well and expensively trained to go places that you would not want to visit, to prevent very bad things from happening to innocent people. It was a profession that took my heart and my soul, and when I did marry, the union was much more one of loyalty and honour than one of any kind of physicality. I was happy with a fist-bump and a slap on the shoulder…and now, let’s get back out and train for the next op.

    It wasn’t that I was asexual (or worse). There was something bigger that needed my being.

    Unfair to my wife? Certainly. i didn’t understand what I was, then. it took a lot of study, a lot of counseling, and a lot of heartache. But the marriage thrived, and that is by God’s grace.

    https://blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com/2017/09/your-dying-spouse-359-god-give-me.html

    • What a helpful perspective, Andrew. We hear of many things that may diminish interest in husbands but your journey is not usually covered. I hope many scroll down to read your comment 😉 as it will shed light to spouses who may be walking the path you did. I am happy God’s grace saw your marriage through. Thank you for adding your thoughts.

  • Susan

    I’m going to choose to say nothing on this one!!! #oldlady #twicemarried #formerbadgirl No need to enter me into the giveaway!!!

  • Ngina, you shared wonderful myth-busters here. Pinned it!

  • Sarah Geringer

    Ngina, your godly wisdom shines through this post. You have a very special ministry to new brides, and I pray that many marriages will be blessed through your new book!

    • Amen Sarah, it is my prayer too. Thank you for your kind words 🙂

  • I have to say that I have bent the rules that I usually have for my guest posts–allowing your fine post to exceed the wordcount limit. But as you know, Ngina, this was TOTALLY worth it! Every bit of advice and thought you share here is absolutely true and resonates with me even though I’m a bride of 30 years! Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us today and I do hope your book launch goes through the roof! I’m sharing everywhere I can in social media–trying to get the word out about your incredible book, my friend! Love ya!

    • Beth, you are so gracious and kind! Thank you for bending the rules to accommodate my wordiness! 😉 Your uplifting words have made my morning! Thank you for hosting me on your wonderful blog to share the message and further sharing on social media. You are a blessing! Hugs!

  • Dear Ngina and Beth … outstanding stuff, must read for all new wives … and yes, for some of us who’ve been married for decades. I’m walking away from this post considering a few things I never thought of. Thank you …

    • Thank you Linda, so glad the post has stirred new thoughts. Appreciate your words of encouragement 🙂

  • Karrilee Aggett

    This is so good… and true… and so important to talk about with women who are both getting married, newly married, and even a refresher for many who are married and find their sex life and intimacy difficult, lacking, or just in need of a refreshing! My Honey and I are celebrating 25 years next month and I can tell you what we tell everyone –especially the couples we counsel before marriage –it gets better and better!

    • Amen and amen Karrilee! It’s easy for newer brides to fixate on the “effort” part of marriage and forget it does get better as they put in the work! Thank you for your testimony of happy long lasting love!

  • Bev @ Walking Well With God

    Ngina,
    What a wonderfully insightful and spot on post about a delicate and often misunderstood topic. As Christians, we don’t think we should be talking so straightforward about sex, but the more we do, the fewer myths there will be. Wonderful post! Thanks, Beth for sharing Ngina’s wisdom!
    Blessings,
    Bev xx

    • I love this Bev! “the more we do – talk straight about sex – the fewer myths there will be” That is so true! Misconceptions flourish when there is no light. The answer is not blame those that are stumbling in darkness but to simply shine, reflecting His light! Thank you for sharing that wonderful perspective!

  • Julie Loos

    Great post! I wish I’d have had these tips 18 years ago when I was a new bride! Thank you Beth for sharing Ngina’s post!
    Visiting from #TellHisStory

    • So glad to be sharing at Beth’s today, Julie : ) Thank you for visiting.

  • Great post and a much needed book. My husband and I often give a book on sexual intimacy (from God’s perspective) to couples as a wedding gift. Too many young couples lack good biblical information and can be confused and disappointed.

  • Such important info for new brides. Thank you for sharing…..