Does Your Spouse Need Perspective? SJT Video

Deflatefeelings

Ever find yourself in the middle of a painful conversation about a past hurt with your spouse, and you don’t know why your spouse isn’t resonating with or able to receive in a gracious way how s/he has hurt you? Well, in my latest Sloppy Joe Time video, I talk about what you both need to do to gain perspective in the “heat of the moment.” Click on the video below to view “Is Perspective Needed?

 

 

What do you try to keep in mind in “the heat of the moment” and how does that help you?

 

What lies are you telling yourself when you feel entitled to a quick and understanding response from your mate?

 

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Linking up with – Marriage Mondays,  Making Your Home Sing,  Unforced Rhythms,  Sunday Stillness,  Sharing His Beauty  and  Playdates with God

  • Beautiful, beautiful, Beth. This gift of time and space is a necessity for us all. It’s a grace that allows us to wrestle with God and find insight and forgiveness and peace that we need before we head on over for any kind of conversation with the ones we love.
    I learn so much from these videos, friend. They’ve become a delightful visit on sabbath afternoons. Thank you for the wisdom, His wisdom, that you share. My life is richer because of the connect He’s allowed us to develop.
    Hugs.

    • I think we get in a hurry because it’s scary to be vulnerable with what we’ve shared and we want that immediate acknowledgement. But I’m learning, rather slowly, that God is the One who is always for me and acknowledges my pain and feelings in every situation. So I don’t have to have another human being’s validation to feel comforted and “right with the world.” Of course, that doesn’t give me the option of disengaging from my mate or others, but it sure does give me the option of “detaching” my sense of worth or my need for approval from them.

      And I’m so glad you’re encouraged by my videos, Linda. I think of it as a way to “media meet” every Sunday! We may not be with each other in person, but it sure does give us the sense that we’re meeting in “spirit.” Hugs to you, sweet friend!

  • I totally agree with you Beth. Processing and praying will do a good mind job for us so that we do not hurt our spouses while trying to communicate our hurts to them.

    • Thanks so much, Ugochi! I can’t underscore how much praying and processing has helped me gain the proper perspective in my marriage, so I frequently like to share about that in the nuances of communication. I know that you have the same view–as your post about marriage meditations really aids in this whole “processing of hurt feelings.” Have a great week, my friend!

  • Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

    Perspective is necessary, but carries a caveat, in that it can harden a position.

    There are those who find it harder to be wrong than to hurt their spouse; this is not an indictment of character, but more a reflection on the milieu in which such an individual was raised. It’s a subconscious ‘cornered animal’; defense, in which reflexive attack is the only defense.

    You can’t make such a person “see’ the error of his or her ways. A skilled counselor might, but I am led to believe that most partners simply have to adjust.

    The adjustment process means, first and foremost, finding a way to let go of the hurt. Easier said than done, obviously, but sometimes I think there is something of a pain-driven ying-yang; we want to keep the pain close because it validates us and our feelings, until it’s discharged by an admission of guilt, and replaced by a feeling of moral superiority…”I’ve been hurt, and YOU apologized.”

    Perhap it’s better to look inward, and to see if we can modify and strengthen that which was vulnerable to pain. It doesn’t necessarily mean a hardening of the heart or spirit, but it does mean a toughening, and a shift of dependence from the actions of the spouse to the love of the Almighty.

    http://blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com/2015/01/send-it-i-wont-back-down-five-minute.html

    • You bring up an excellent point, Andrew. In this scenario I’m assuming that my husband (or any offender) will, in time, recognize his/her fault and admit or apologize–which in itself is a sloppy expectation. I have been planning to go in the direction of “wounds” and how they impact us in marriage. I think that is where and when I’ll address some of those likely outcomes. Much of the processing I do helps me to not only extend grace and patience in the moment that I’d like an apology but also in those moments when my spouse doesn’t take responsibility like I’d like–ever! That’s the messiness of life and marriage. But I’m so grateful for a God who redeems the mess no matter who is cooperating with Him or not. Thanks for your support and adding to the discussion, my friend! I prayed for you today and hope that you are sensing God’s nearness!