Hesitant Husbands

Recently I wrote a post, “Letting a Busy Schedule Come Before Your Marriage,” and I promised to give you more tips on how to draw your hesitant husband into more quality connection time with you. So here are my thoughts …
If your husband is hesitant, you’re not alone. It’s a very common problem for couples.
So, if you have a hesitant husband, what should you do?
First of all, you can’t force him to spend time with you. If he’s resistant, coming across as forceful in any way will probably make him dig his heels in further.
You know the analogy, “Women are like crock pots and men are like microwaves when it comes to sex”? Well … men are like crock pots and women are like microwaves when it comes to conversation.
So this means you should start to engage him slowly. In fact, make a point of asking him one question at an optimal time every day, but then really listen to his answer! Don’t immediately think about how his answer makes you feel.
Instead, stop and ask him a second question like, “What made that so ________ for you?” And when he answers that question, say something like, “Tell me more.”
If you consistently engage your husband in this kind of conversation (actually a listening exercise) for a few weeks, then he’ll probably feel closer to you, and won’t feel so threatened at the thought of setting aside a particular time to “connect.” In fact, even though my husband and I have called our connection time, “Talk Time,” you may not want to be so direct about that aspect with your “hesitant husband.”
In approaching him to set aside a specific time, tell him in a loving and respectful way how sharing some connection time with him would make you feel. Make sure not to blame or shame him for being hesitant! He needs to be wooed by your kind interest in him and your willingness to listen.
In order to put your hesitant husband further at ease, consider using a book of random questions as your conversation starter. Here are two books we’ve found helpful, Love Talk Starters and The Complete Book of Questions. You might want to give your husband the book first, to ask you a question or two, then do the same for him. Reassure him that either of you can ask for another question, if you don’t like a particular question.
You could also suggest limiting this connection time to a trial of 3 or 4 weeks in a row, so that he doesn’t feel that he’s committing to conversing into infinity! But he’ll probably enjoy the connection time as much as you do, if you keep it positive and focus on really listening to his heart.
You may be saying to yourself, “But this sounds like it’s all about my husband—and I’ve been starved for an opportunity to share my thoughts and my feelings with my husband!”
And you would be right and wrong.
Inviting and encouraging a hesitant husband into your world simply means making him the guest of honor. But just as the verse Luke 6:38 reminds us,
  
“Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

So when we give to our spouses, we’ll experience overflowing blessings of mutual connection as well!

(One more thing, sometimes the wife is hesitant to connect through conversation and these tips are just as helpful in that situation.) 

Today’s Post is linked to – No Ordinary Blog Hop and
Miscellany Monday @ lowercase letters
  • I’m blessed to be able to say that I feel like my hubby and I converse quite well. It’s probably got something to do with the fact that we grew up together and have known each other for so long.
    It hasn’t always been the same throughout our marriage though so it’s important that we continue to work on it and don’t get complacent! Thanks for the tips!

  • Great post! Thankfully, my hubby and I converse often and really well. Sometimes I think he has the mind of a chick! And I say that only in the most loving way. He just gets me. Not only is he a great listener, but he’s also great with making conversation on the usually very female topics I happen to be chewing his ear off about. Lol!

    Blessings,
    Rosann

  • Kim Hall

    Enjoyed the analogy of the microwave and crockpots, and your gentle reminder of Luke 6:38. It is way too easy to feel just as you described: starved.

    Yet another “crockpot” seasoning my husband and I use that can be added onto your ideas is to read “The Five Love Languages”, figure out which “language” your hubby speaks, and start giving in that vein. Is his language acts of service, is it gifts, is it words of affirmation, quality time, or physical touch (non-sexual)? That information can help your communication improve as well.

  • Donna B.

    Excellent advice! Thank you for sharing these tips with us!

  • messymarriage

    Thanks for making that point, Kim. It really is important to know how to make our spouse more comfortable, and the book, “The Five Love Languages” spells all of that out in a great way. In fact, that book could be what a couple joins together to read and discuss once a week. Thanks for weighing in!

  • messymarriage

    I’m so glad that’s a strong part of your marriage, Rosann. That’s so foundational to a healthy marriage. My husband is good “now,” but I have to admit, it’s been a growing and learning process for both of us. 🙂

    Thanks for your kind words!

  • messymarriage

    I’m so glad that you’re blessed in that way with your “lifelong best-friend.” And you are so right, we all need to work at it or it becomes weak and atrophied like an unused muscle. Thanks for being a part of the discussion and encouraging me! 🙂

  • messymarriage

    Thanks so much, Donna. I really appreciate your encouragement!

  • IAAMM IAAMM

    What if the wife is the hesitant one?

  • IAAMM IAAMM

    What if the wife is the hesitant one?

  • messymarriage

    The same principles can be used with a hesitant wife. If people (men or women) are hesitant to open up, helping them to feel safe and heard will only encourage more of a willingness to connect. Thanks for stopping by!