Increase Good Chemistry of Love in Marriage (And Linkup)

I’m continuing to unpack another lesson in my “Back to School” series by discussing today how I gained back the “chemistry” or feelings of love that had cooled when my marriage was at its messiest. I learned the hard way that what I do drastically impacts the way I feel in my marriage.

Let me repeat that . . . what “I” do changes the way I feel in marriage—leaving the vast majority of my satisfaction in marriage up to me! And that’s good news for you and your marriage too! 😉

Chemistry of Love

Here are 2 things I did that negatively impacted my feelings of love  . . . 

1. Ruminated on my spouse’s flaws and sins.

I didn’t realize the negative influence I was having on my marriage when I did this. It was like every time I let a negative complaint run through my mind, I was digging a deeper and deeper hole. Pretty soon, I found myself neck-deep in a grave custom-made for my marriage! Then I had to claw my way out, just so I could stand on level ground again.

Did you know that when you complain your body produces Cortisol which impairs your immune system and makes you more susceptible to high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease and obesity? #badchemistry

A couple of weeks ago I offered to my readers a 21-Day Challenge for “looking for the good in our spouses.” I’m now in the last week of that challenge and feeling like it has been a very good process for me. And from the feedback I’ve received, most everyone else is feeling the same.

Gratitude can really boost the good chemistry we feel in our marriages. #encourageyourself Click To Tweet

2. My anger became a real hindrance in my sex life.

After all, who wants to make love with someone you’re mad at? You want to strangle them, not squeeze them tight in a loving embrace! Am I right?? 😉

But did you know that there are several good chemicals that we miss out on when we avoid making love to our mates?

Phenylethymine (“PEA” for short) is released when we touch or are touched by our mates, as well as when we have an orgasm—providing the feeling of being bonded or “glued” to our partners.

Other chemicals/hormones that are released during lovemaking are: Norepinephrine, Noradrenaline, Oxytocin, Dopamine, Serotonin and Testosterone. Each of these chemicals can help us to feel more excited, positive and satisfied, just to name a few positive benefits!

God surely is in the details, isn’t He?!

Sex in marriage provides lots of good chemicals to bond us to our mates! #glueofGod Click To Tweet

Now, if your feelings of love have grown cold in marriage, then take a moment to consider which of these two bad habits you might be practicing to one degree or another—committing to work on at least one of them.

With the first one in mind, you could begin to pray daily for God to improve your attitude toward your mate—asking the Lord to bring to your attention to the good things in him or her.

With the second one (which might be the harder of the two), consider working on having more sex (or just having sex!) by carving out time alone to relax with your spouse, in an effort to strengthen your sense of connection. Do something you both enjoy and then spend ten minutes afterward talking about what you enjoyed about that activity. These are the small incremental changes that pave the way to greater closeness and feelings of love and desire in marriage.

If avoiding sex isn’t the issue—busyness isthen consider scheduling sex. Yes, sometimes in busy seasons of life we need to take that tack. Then you can mentally and physically prepare for that intimate time together, rather than a wham-bam-thank-ya-ma’am at the end of an exhausting day.

Whatever you do, don’t leave “your spouse” in the driver seat of your marital satisfaction! They will drive you crazy, if you do!

 

 

Which of the two do you want to work on first and in what way?

 

What else do you think can add more “chemistry” to your feelings of love in marriage?

 

Next week, I’ll be continuing my Back to School series with a lesson in the “Fine Art” of listening, which can really reignite your spouse’s feelings of love for you, as well as deepening your sense of connection in marriage. It’s a total win-win!

Be sure to scroll down below to comment! 


Here are some lovely linkups I join – Mondays @ Soul Survival,  Moments of HopeLiterary Musing MondaysTestimony TuesdayJennifer Dukes LeeWriter WednesdayCoffee and ConversationCoffee for Your HeartSitting Among FriendsFaith and FriendsFresh Market Friday, and DanceWithJesusFriday

Let’s Get this ‘From Messes to Messages’ Linkup Started!
Add any links that are uplifting, helpful and encouraging to our spiritual lives, marriages and families! Be sure to add a link on your blog back to “From Messes to Messages” or Messy Marriage as well. For linkup guidelines/button, click here.

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  • pioneerpat1

    Very interesting. Thanks for this.
    Thanks for hosting and have a wonderful weekend.

    • Thanks, Patrick! Always glad to have you in the linkup!

  • Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

    Beth, this is great. You addressed an important topic with forthrightness and sensitivity, and I think you have helped many people to look at how they can do better.

    Too ill to say more, but I really appreciate the strong and Godly work you do.

    https://blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com/2017/09/your-dying-spouse-361-my-final-prayer.html

    • Susan

      Andrew, you haven’t left my mind nor my prayers. xo

    • Thank you, Andrew! I appreciate your kind words and I do hope it gives people some handles for moving their marriages in the right direction.

      I totally understand and feel as if you’ve pushed yourself to comment when you should have just remained content to read. So please don’t feel guilty about reserving your strength for the fight of your life, my friend! We want you with us for as long as possible–silent here or not. Hugs and prayers coming your way!

  • Great post, Beth. It’s so true that when we “do” the right things with the right attitude (thinking), our feelings change. And it never ceases to amaze me how God is in the details as you said, even with things like intimacy. Thanks for sharing these important principles.

    • Thank you, Donna. Yes, I believe that’s how God wired us. When we do the right things, we feel encouraged no matter our situation. And yes, yes, yes! God is so very much in the details. I want to remember that when it comes to my marriage as well as to my life today. Thanks for joining the conversation and encouraging me, sweet friend!

  • Susan

    Chemistry…either it’s there or it’s not. What does one do when married to someone whom they have none? Depend on God’s grace. Beg God for grace! He is sufficient and will deliver. Know your spouse’s love language and TALK IT every.single.day. xo

    • I agree that focusing in on how we can bridge the gap in troubled relationships with gestures like learning and applying the love languages, Susan, can be so beneficial to a marriage. And you bring up a good point, though I’m not sure that was your intention. I probably should have clarified on that issue, because I believe too many people rely on looking for chemistry in a marriage rather than cultivating it. Thanks for adding to the conversation an important and specific application for couples, my friend! Always glad to have you in the linkup!

  • Sarah Geringer

    Love this post, Beth! It took me years to realize the truth you pointed out: don’t leave your spouse in the driver seat of marital satisfaction. I am happier now knowing what I can control. Your chemistry notes are enlightening! This is a great series, friend.

    • Thank you, Sarah! Yes, it usually does take quite a few years to figure that one out and then it’s always easy to fall back on that bad habit from time to time–in my experience, anyway. But as soon as I feel like things are going sour in my marriage, typically that’s a sign that I have put Gary back in that unfair position. Thank you for your continued encouragement and support here, my friend!

  • I love Susan’s advice to speak your spouse’s love language. An others-focused life is a Christ-exalting life.

    • Yes, that’s so important, Michele. We truly do need to find ways to connect with our mates. It rarely if ever happens by accident. Great way to put it too–when we focus on our spouse’s needs and desires, we point to Christ and His sacrificial example. Thanks for joining the conversation!

  • I really enjoy your posts, Beth. I got to wham-bam and laughed out loud. Anyway, to answer your question, when I intentionally chose to love my husband every day, it wasn’t very many weeks later that I noticed a renewed chemistry! It’s easy to say I’m so in love with him because it’s true. That #loveisachoice plan is powerful!

    • Thank you, Kelly. That’s so nice of you to say! I’m glad you laughed and weren’t appalled by it! 😉 Some people take my humor far too seriously! But it really is a sad reality for many couples and wives, in particular, feel that more than the husbands. Better to “intentionally choose” our mates, like you’ve said, than to hope that chemistry emerges. I’m of the mindset that chemistry is cultivated not “discovered.” If you know what I mean! Thanks for encouraging me and joining the linkup too, my friend!

  • Beth this is great – such amazing truths, and while the “fixes” seem easy enough to say, they take serious work, and faith. Thank you for sharing your heart!

    • Thank you, Marissa. Yes, those fixes are not easy, especially when a marriage has grown cold. I never want people to feel as if these are “bandaids” for gaping wounds either. But they can be the way to cultivate more chemistry, if we seek God’s empowerment along the way. Trying to any of this in our own strength is the formula for burnout and disillusionment.

  • i love this emphasis on our own responsibilities and choices, Beth … instead of waiting or blaming or nagging our spouse to meet our endless neediness. and thanks for the gentle reminder of the huge place prayer should have in our marriages. sadly, it’s often left trailing at the end of our resources …

    • Thank you, Linda. I think that’s sort of the water we swim in daily, as caregivers and counselors. But it’s so true! I was talking with my small group yesterday. We’re going through Boundaries in Marriage and I said that when I was trying to work on Gary, the problems multiplied. But when I turned my focus on myself and how I could improve, the problems started to shrink and often went completely away.

      Yes, prayer is soooo very important to any of this. We can’t do a lick of work on connecting with our mates, if we don’t seek God’s help and perspective first and foremost!

  • Bev @ Walking Well With God

    Beth,
    Awesome reminder of how terrific our God is. Isn’t it just like Him to make our bodies release good chemistry when we show gratitude vs. when we complain!! I know I need to continually work on this one. When complaining creeps in, I need to recognize that red flag, and shift into gratitude mode. And the physical bond of love making – what a wonderful host of good chemistry. Thanks for an honest and informative post!
    Blessings,
    Bev xx

    • Yes, it truly is amazing, Bev, and so like our Father to consider all sorts of ways to bless us when we do the right things in life and marriage. I’m right there with you on learning not to complain. Maybe if I think about how the scale reflects my bad attitude (Cortisol effect), I will hesitate the next time I’m tempted to complain! 😉

      Thanks so much for coming by and encouraging me! I’m headed to your place next!

  • Number 1 really challenged me. I love call to prayer to answer this obstacle in our marriages. Thanks for sharing on the #LMMLinkup this week.