Intimate Insecurities

Written by Kimberly Green
Messy Marriage Team Writer

When I was a little girl, we had a brown crocheted blanket that lived in the family room, ever available to warm you on a chilly night. For me, this blanket had many uses. It was a glamorous gown for playing dress up; a fortress; an island where I was safe from sharks that lived in the carpet; chestnut hair that flowed to the floor. It kept me warm and comfortable, protected me, and allowed me to pretend I was someone else for a while.

Many afternoons I could be found sitting with my backside in a laundry basket, legs dangling out, with that blanket stretched over my head, “hiding.” I was invisible in my safe place where I couldn’t be criticized or judged. I could watch the world through the tiny stitches, but no one could “see” me.

Throughout my adult life, I have worked at self-acceptance and tearing down walls. 

I have made progress in not taking things personally nor judging myself based on my fears of others’ opinions. But there are some places inside of me, so deep, that make up the very fabric of who I am, a place only my husband can go, where he runs into a little girl sitting in a basket with a blanket over her head.

In the bedroom, I want my blanket. I want to see my husband, his body, his face. To taste the saltiness of his skin and feel his magnificent hands. I want to know what he feels and see that his whisperings of love and enjoyment are genuine. He isn’t merely being polite because he’s “scoring.” I want the assurance that I am getting all that no one else gets. But I am selfish in that I don’t acknowledge that he wants the very same thingto be trusted implicitly, and gain access to a level of intimacy reserved only for him. 

Far beyond just offering my body, stretched and scarred by children, surgeries, too much food and too little exercisesucking in my gut the minute the clothes come off. But I want to reach that level where I confess my desires and express my pleasure. I somehow fear that through verbalizing those things, I will no longer be comfortable, protected, and able to pretend I am someone else for a while.

If I hide in the dark, beneath my blanketoften woven with fears, misguided religion, pride, or entitlementmy Beloved may only be disappointed at what he can assume, not disappointed by what may truly be there. 

The things only God can accept and understand because He is God.

I realize that in withholding my own thoughts, wants, and delights, I hurt and reject my husband and tell him “I don’t trust you.”

So……. the lights come on, the blanket comes off, and those anxieties and passions so neatly restrained break loose and I am naked and completely vulnerable. I instinctively suck in my gut another inch, maneuver my jaw in an attempt to disguise my triple chin–>then breathe, let all of that silliness go, and completely entrust myself, to this beautiful man I have been given–>a man who needs me to allow him to be the husband God intended; a comforter, a protector, and someone I don’t have to pretend to be someone else for.

He can SEE me.

And though we may sometimes fail one another, and I’ll still try to hide from the world, he always has a spot next to me in a laundry basket, legs dangling out, with a blanket stretched over our heads.

What keeps you from giving yourself completely to your spouse?

What have you done that has helped you overcome your sexual inhibitions?

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Linking up with – NOBH, Monday’s Musings, Momma Notes, Marriage Moments Monday, Making Your Home Sing Monday, Matrimonial Monday, Playdates with God and Marriage Monday’s

  • To be seen this way–bared to the soul–and still loved and accepted…this is a gift, is it not? It’s God in us that allows such love. Thank you for sharing such a deeply intimate piece of your heart, Kimberly.

    • You are SO right! It’s an absolute treasure! Yet, I am sometimes still hesitant to just accept that gift. Thanks Laura!

  • To be seen this way–bared to the soul–and still loved and accepted…this is a gift, is it not? It’s God in us that allows such love. Thank you for sharing such a deeply intimate piece of your heart, Kimberly.

  • Heather C.

    What a lovely post, Kimberly! I love this. It is so sweet and true.

  • Heather C.

    What a lovely post, Kimberly! I love this. It is so sweet and true.

  • Rhiannon

    You’re absolutely right. That little girl vulnerability is so intimate and there is a beauty in a place that only your husband is allowed to enter into. Without that than what is marriage? This is sacred space and the trust you have in him is wonderful.

    • “Without THAT, then what is marriage?” That IS a good question! I guess it’s just a contractual property agreement, where you also share a couple kids. It takes WORK to cultivate that trust, and for me, it took work on my own for a long time to be okay with trusting. Thanks for the encouragement, Rhiannon!

  • Rhiannon

    You’re absolutely right. That little girl vulnerability is so intimate and there is a beauty in a place that only your husband is allowed to enter into. Without that than what is marriage? This is sacred space and the trust you have in him is wonderful.

  • Kimberly Green

    Thanks Heather. I know that you can relate!

  • Mai Bateson

    When insecurity sometimes kicks in, all I can think of is… I am wonderfully made by my Creator. We are a gift given by Him for our husband and so our husband is to us. And we are blessed to share one another in the Holy Sacrament of Matrimony. So we have nothing to hide and feel insecure. All women are beautiful in our own special way… 🙂

    Visiting you from the Happy Wives Club Link Up.

    • So true. I still need to consciously remind myself that I really have nothing to hide when I’m naked (figuratively AND physically) Thanks Mai!

  • So true. I still need to consciously remind myself that I really have nothing to hide when I’m naked (figuratively AND physically) Thanks Mai!

  • Ryan Bedenkop

    Love the real … beyond encouraged today to pull down some walls.

    Delighted to meet you today. I hope you don’t mind if I splash around a bit. This looks like a refreshing place to dip into some serious goodness.

    Also, I would love for you to share this post with other mommas. We have a little link up started. Momma’s sharing our notes, creating a melody. We could use your fave recipes, fun mom moments, encouraging words, the goofy, anything mom. I would be honored to have you join us.

    http://justsarahdawn.blogspot.com/2013/05/momma-notes.html

    Splashin,

    Sarah

    • Splash away! Equally Delighted, Ryan. The encouragement is appreciated. Thanks for Dropping by! Messy Marriage posts on Mondays and Wednesdays.

  • Ryan Bedenkop

    Love the real … beyond encouraged today to pull down some walls.

    Delighted to meet you today. I hope you don’t mind if I splash around a bit. This looks like a refreshing place to dip into some serious goodness.

    Also, I would love for you to share this post with other mommas. We have a little link up started. Momma’s sharing our notes, creating a melody. We could use your fave recipes, fun mom moments, encouraging words, the goofy, anything mom. I would be honored to have you join us.

    http://justsarahdawn.blogspot.com/2013/05/momma-notes.html

    Splashin,

    Sarah

  • Splash away! Equally Delighted, Sarah. The encouragement is appreciated. Thanks for Dropping by! Messy Marriage posts on Mondays and Wednesdays.

  • I’m so glad you shared your story, Kimberly. I applaud your courage! You know that I struggle in many of the same ways you do, but I want to join you in trusting my husband fully. However, I’m drawing the line at sitting blanket-covered in a laundry basket with you, Tony and Gary! haha! Thanks so much, sweet friend!

    • BYOB&B- Bring your own Basket and Blanket. You know I had to do quite a bit of dirty laundry before I could even SEE the Laundry Basket. You have been such an instrumental and inspiring part of this journey. I will continue to pray for you as you trust Gary (insert joke at Gary’s expense here). You and Gary have both loved and encouraged me so much and I am so grateful.

  • I’m so glad you shared your story, Kimberly. I applaud your courage! You know that I struggle in many of the same ways you do, but I want to join you in trusting my husband fully. However, I’m drawing the line at sitting blanket-covered in a laundry basket with you, Tony and Gary! haha! Thanks so much, sweet friend!

  • BYOB&B- Bring your own Basket and Blanket. You know I had to do quite a bit of dirty laundry before I could even SEE the Laundry Basket. You have been such an instrumental and inspiring part of this journey. I will continue to pray for you as you trust Gary (insert joke at Gary’s expense here). You and Gary have both loved and encouraged me so much and I am so grateful.

  • I have toughened up a lot, and yet, like you, there is that spot that my hubby reaches that could devastate me. Something hurtful said to me don’t bother me in the least. But if hubby were to say that same thing I would cry.
    Likewise I have to remember I have that same influence on him.

    Thanks for sharing at Matrimonial Monday!

  • soulstops

    To be seen and loved as we are, without hiding…what a gift from God and our husbands…Thank you, Kimberly, for sharing so bravely…and Hi Beth 🙂

    • We SAY we want to be seen and loved as we are when we get married….but don’t give anyone a chance to do that. Thanks Dolly!

  • soulstops

    To be seen and loved as we are, without hiding…what a gift from God and our husbands…Thank you, Kimberly, for sharing so bravely…and Hi Beth 🙂

  • Beautifully said, Kimberly.
    If I had ever thought of it, I certainly would have been the one under the blanket in the laundry basket. I was painfully shy as a youngster. What has helped me is my husband. He has been such a wonderful encourager, loving me as I am and reminding me of that regularly.

    • I was NOT shy as a child. I was an obnoxious character, but always performing a part, and never quite comfortable in my own skin. We are so fortunate to have those men in our lives! Thanks Kim!

  • Beautifully said, Kimberly.
    If I had ever thought of it, I certainly would have been the one under the blanket in the laundry basket. I was painfully shy as a youngster. What has helped me is my husband. He has been such a wonderful encourager, loving me as I am and reminding me of that regularly.

  • Wow. I’m sure this resonates with many women, myself included. I laugh when I think that my husband doesn’t REALLY know how fat I am if I suck in my stomach when I take my clothes off.

    One thing that helped me overcome insecurities is realizing that I am THE only woman my husband should ever see naked, and if I hold back, how unfair to him. It’s also helped tremendously that he tells me often that I’m beautiful, even though I don’t see it myself.

    Thanks for writing this post, Kimberly. Excellent.

    • Getting “glamour shots” done in the 90’s taught me the chin trick. You are so right! I am the ONLY person my husband can get that sort of fulfillment from. I really believed that I wasn’t hurting anyone else by dragging my insecurities around like balloons tied to my wrist. It was indeed an eye opener that I was hurting my husband. Thanks, Lisa!

  • Wow. I’m sure this resonates with many women, myself included. I laugh when I think that my husband doesn’t REALLY know how fat I am if I suck in my stomach when I take my clothes off.

    One thing that helped me overcome insecurities is realizing that I am THE only woman my husband should ever see naked, and if I hold back, how unfair to him. It’s also helped tremendously that he tells me often that I’m beautiful, even though I don’t see it myself.

    Thanks for writing this post, Kimberly. Excellent.

  • Hmnnn….you hit some strong note Beth. My husband always likes me to tell my pleasures* but I am always shy and too quiet for his liking.
    Thanks a lot for sharing!

    • I totally relate! I think I unfairly believe somehow he should just be able to read my mind and I shouldn’t have to “say” anything. Trust is a verb, it is active. Not just me sitting around thinking in my head that I trust my husband, I have to actually DO IT. And, for me, the ultimate trust I can personally show my husband is to communicate with him during those most intimate moments.

  • Hmnnn….you hit some strong note Beth. My husband always likes me to tell my pleasures* but I am always shy and too quiet for his liking.
    Thanks a lot for sharing!

  • We SAY we want to be seen and loved as we are when we get married….but don’t give anyone a chance to do that. Thanks Dolly!

  • I was NOT shy as a child. I was an obnoxious character, but always performing a part, and never quite comfortable in my own skin. We are so fortunate to have those men in our lives! Thanks Kim!

  • Getting “glamour shots” done in the 90’s taught me the chin trick. You are so right! I am the ONLY person my husband can get that sort of fulfillment from. I really believed that I wasn’t hurting anyone else by dragging my insecurities around like balloons tied to my wrist. It was indeed an eye opener that I was hurting my husband. Thanks, Lisa!

  • I totally relate! I think I unfairly believe somehow he should just be able to read my mind and I shouldn’t have to “say” anything. Trust is a verb, it is active. Not just me sitting around thinking in my head that I trust my husband, I have to actually DO IT. And, for me, the ultimate trust I can personally show my husband is to communicate with him during those most intimate moments.

  • Making love in the morning before I have time to think; before my brain starts running its “to do” list. This allows me to be completely free, no inhibitions, and to give myself completely.

  • Making love in the morning before I have time to think; before my brain starts running its “to do” list. This allows me to be completely free, no inhibitions, and to give myself completely.

  • rboerner

    Such a sensitive subject. Thank you for sharing your story. I know I have experienced these same feelings because of things that happened in my past but God is an amazing healer and through His awesome power, I am learning to enjoy my husband more. Stepping out of my box to try new things is still very much a work in progress though!

  • rboerner

    Such a sensitive subject. Thank you for sharing your story. I know I have experienced these same feelings because of things that happened in my past but God is an amazing healer and through His awesome power, I am learning to enjoy my husband more. Stepping out of my box to try new things is still very much a work in progress though!

  • Stacey Micklevitz

    Wow, Kimberly. You nailed it – me. I’m that way. I’m at a low point of how I see myself physically, and I am completely self-conscious of how Bryan sees me. I didn’t realize that I’m not trusting him with my heart when I keep this side of me from him. I don’t want to hurt him that way. Thanks for keeping me from making a big mistake!!

  • Stacey Micklevitz

    Wow, Kimberly. You nailed it – me. I’m that way. I’m at a low point of how I see myself physically, and I am completely self-conscious of how Bryan sees me. I didn’t realize that I’m not trusting him with my heart when I keep this side of me from him. I don’t want to hurt him that way. Thanks for keeping me from making a big mistake!!

  • This is such a delicate subject and one I feel all wives deal with in some way, shape, or form during marriage. I struggle with letting go completely and letting my husband lead during physical intimacy. It’s hard for me to let go of my control because I hate being out of control – but I’ve learned that by holding onto control, I’ve been letting go of my trust. I do trust my husband and I do love him, but in the moment, sometimes my feelings of fear overwhelm me, I panic, and I shut down. It’s hard for me to let go of my control because I’ve been in out of control situations in my past and it scared me and made me feel less than worthy, cheap, and dirty. I love my husband and trust him and I know he would never want to intentionally hurt me. Something he always says is love is the most painful and pleasurable experience of your life. Sometimes the best things are the hardest things to reach and require the most work in getting there. Sometimes the best things in life require me to give up my control and let go. I’m still learning, and I’m still recovering, but praise God! He is still on the throne and He still loves me no matter what my insecurities or scars or struggles – and my husband, with God’s strength, does the same thing for me. Sometimes, all I need is for my husband to slow down or to pray with me or over me. I find praying together before sex not only strengthens our intimacy but makes it so much easier to relax and enjoy one another. Thanks so much for linking up with Becoming His Eve Marriage Moments Mondays. This post really moved me and helped me today.

  • This is such a delicate subject and one I feel all wives deal with in some way, shape, or form during marriage. I struggle with letting go completely and letting my husband lead during physical intimacy. It’s hard for me to let go of my control because I hate being out of control – but I’ve learned that by holding onto control, I’ve been letting go of my trust. I do trust my husband and I do love him, but in the moment, sometimes my feelings of fear overwhelm me, I panic, and I shut down. It’s hard for me to let go of my control because I’ve been in out of control situations in my past and it scared me and made me feel less than worthy, cheap, and dirty. I love my husband and trust him and I know he would never want to intentionally hurt me. Something he always says is love is the most painful and pleasurable experience of your life. Sometimes the best things are the hardest things to reach and require the most work in getting there. Sometimes the best things in life require me to give up my control and let go. I’m still learning, and I’m still recovering, but praise God! He is still on the throne and He still loves me no matter what my insecurities or scars or struggles – and my husband, with God’s strength, does the same thing for me. Sometimes, all I need is for my husband to slow down or to pray with me or over me. I find praying together before sex not only strengthens our intimacy but makes it so much easier to relax and enjoy one another. Thanks so much for linking up with Becoming His Eve Marriage Moments Mondays. This post really moved me and helped me today.