Keep the Change!

Written by Stacey Micklevitz

Messy Marriage Team Member

How often do we hear friends lament that their spouses “have changed?” Such a complaint is common among those who are unhappy in their marriages or are heading toward divorce. The comment is often accompanied by “He/she is just not the same person he/she was when we got married.”

This, I’m sure, is true.

Overall, most people resist change. We like what we like. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” right?? Change can make people feel insecure or uncertain about themselves and what to do. The fear of the unknown can be crippling. I remember computer conversions in my career that caused near panic attacks in some coworkers.

At least we can count on people to remain the same. Or, not…

Let me play the devil’s advocate, shall we? I will paint a picture drawing from personal experience. When Bryan and I were first married, he was a pharmacy student. Though he’d completed classes, he was in rotations and hadn’t yet secured a full-time job. His hours were sporadic, and the mileage from one rotation to another could vary widely.

On the other hand, I was a full-time Cash Management Officer at TheBANK of Edwardsville. Among administrative duties, I personally visited clients which included driving around town or into Missouri. We were young and in love with few responsibilities outside of pursuing our careers and maintaining a new marriage.

Now, Bryan is a PharmD and Pharmacy Manager for Dierbergs a local grocery store in Creve Coeur, Missouri. He has a steady salary to compliment the steady stress that comes with daily affecting patients’ lives and driving an hour each way to work. He manages a full pharmacy staff, and we often discuss ways to effectively communicate delegation and issues with coworkers.

I am a Stay-At-Home mom who works more hours weekly than I ever did for TheBANK. I see Bryan less than I did before we had kids, and now our free time is divided among full-family activities and to-do lists.

Can you imagine the man Bryan would be if he had NOT changed since the wedding? What kind of wife and mother would I be? Bryan wouldn’t be as equipped to make important decisions, and I wouldn’t be as nurturing. We would be less able to handle responsibility and much less mature relationally. Moreover, if we’d stayed the SAME since we were married, we’d have developed no skills to allow our marriage to adapt to the stressors around it.

We are who we are because of the circumstances in our lives which mold and shape us. We grow. We CHANGE!

In many ways, Bryan has remained the same. He has the same passions, the same zest for life, and the same heartbeat for Christ. Because of change, I like to say he has learned and improved. His passions are stronger, his commitment to life deeper, and his heartbeat for Christ more alive. I also see changes in my own life which better compliment our marriage. I’ll leave it to Bryan to brag on those. 😉

Who would we be without change? Change is the only constant in life. Given the option to choose between my husband as the man I first married or the man to whom I am currently married, I’ll chose the Bryan of today hands down.

Rather than resisting the inevitable, try embracing it. Open your heart to the reality that your spouse HAS changed. You have, too. Learn from your circumstances, leave the old you behind, and keep the change.

Today’s post is linked to –  

  • Like most things in life, change can either be for the better or the worse…(did that sound like our marriage vows, or what?!). When we are allowing the Lord to re-create us, to mold us and make us into His image, change can be a very good thing. But, when we change sans the Lord, the results can be devastating.

    Great post. Thank you for reminding me to embrace the changes in my better half and to celebrate what God is doing!

  • thank you for this beautiful reminder…

  • Psmicklevitz

    Thank you Emily! That was very nice to say. 🙂

  • Stacey Micklevitz

    btw – I typed my info wrong, and I was replying as myself – Stacey Micklevitz! 🙂

  • Stacey Micklevitz

    Stacy, you make an awesome point! Life is so much better when God is in control. Thank you for your comment. 🙂

  • visiting from imperfect prose, and i just commented on someone else’s page that it’s so GOOD that GOD is constant for those of us who “hate change” but that he also USES change to mold us to be more like him. i htink this is the crux of what is at stake when we are married… we’re afraid of change b/cs frankly it’s more comfortable w/ what you originally know. i know that my husband went thru a season where it looked as if he would leave his faith. that was one of our scariest times of change, and i was deeply resentful of his “change.” however, now that he has fallen in love w/ god again, and his faith is deeper than ever, i know that we both needed that time for me to learn to trust God better and for him to remember who God was. change was hard, but ultimately good. this post serves as a great reminder for that.

  • Stacey Micklevitz

    Misty, thank you SO much for sharing your story! I wish I’d have thought to mention that throughout all change, God is constant. I LOVE it! Glad to hear that God used your time of change to strengthen your trust. Thanks again for your comments. 🙂