I find it funny (or sad—you pick!) that, not only can I have trouble with being too controlling with my hubby, but I can go to the other extreme and not be controlling enough—of at least myself!
I’m continuing the series—“My Failures, God’s Inroads”—with a look at the other side of the coin of control . . . my lack of self-control.
Perhaps I had this problem because I was so busy trying to control my husband’s sins and faults that I lost control of my own life.
My prolonged and futile attempts to control my husband’s heart resulted in frustration and resentment, which in time, I let develop into a loss of control of my heart. This manifested in two ways . . .
1. I lost control by indulging in self-pity.
I gave my mind permission to run amuck with anger—ruminating on all the ways my spouse had failed me. Which in time led to the next problem . . .
2. I lost control by choosing to escape by means of self-deception and withdrawal.
This pains me to share and has been something only my husband and a few select friends have been made aware of up to this point. Back in our messiest days, I wanted so badly to be free of my husband and marriage that I escaped into a fantasy world of sorts. I began to indulge silent crushes that I had on certain men in my life in the confines of my mind.
During that time I never let these “infatuations” be known to anyone—including the men in my fantasies. So, thank the Lord, it never moved from fantasy to reality. However, as Jesus points out in Mt. 5:27-28, “thinking of another lustfully” or even romantically is the same as having an affair.
I think I was letting this effort “to escape” become a way to retaliate inwardly against my husband—rejecting him and the marriage we had together.
But God was so gracious to me. He kept opening my eyes and softening my heart, revealing these ugly sins for what they were. #hatred #adultery
So one day, I came to my husband and confessed how I’d indulged in my feelings of attraction to certain other men (over a series of years). My husband graciously forgave me. And it was probably at about that same time that I realized that I needed to “take captive” (2 Cor. 10:5) my habit of ruminating on my husband’s sins as well. One was feeding into the other in the worst possible way! 🙁
God also revealed to me that . . .
God used my brokenness and honesty over these horrible sins to break me free from their chains. 🙂
Now control of my thoughts—bringing them under God’s control—is and has been one of my top priorities!
That was a dark chapter in my life that I’ve never wanted to talk about or reveal—at least not here! But God has been gently nudging me to talk about it—to write about it. And my hope is that if you are struggling in this same way, you will see the red flags for what they are and begin to draw near to God, instead of nursing those tempting indulgences.
What is one failure you’ve seen God use to get your attention?
What area of your life is in need of self-control with God’s help and power?
As some of you may already know, I’m taking the month of June off so that I can get our house ready to put on the market in July. I’ve tried to do this without pulling away from my blog, ministry or coaching, but can’t seem to manage it. So I am, with great trepidation and sadness, pulling away for one month from everything. The Wedded Wednesday linkups will resume in July, so I hope you’ll join me then when I return! And I’d appreciate it if you’d pray for me in this huge endeavor! Thanks so much!
P.S. Here’s a couple more photos from our vacation celebrating our son, Jordan’s graduation with an MDiv degree, as well as a sweet visit with good blogging buddy, Mary Geisen from Passage Through Grace! Blessings all the way around! 🙂
Joining with my friends at Giving Up on Perfect, A Little R & R Wednesdays, Mondays @ Soul Survival, Coffee and Conversation, Coffee for Your Heart, Sitting Among Friends, Nanahood, Moments of Hope, Family, Friendship and Faith, DanceWithJesusFriday and Wholehearted Wednesday.
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