Speaking Different Languages of Love

Language of love

Heather Scott - SmallWritten by Heather Copple

Messy Marriage Team Member

 

Ever think about what makes you feel loved by other people? 

Gary Chapman wrote about it in the book, The 5 Love Languages. I’m going to talk about my husband’s and my primary love languages and the issues that have developed. We do not speak the same language (shocking I know!).

  • Scott loves physical contact with me, whether it’s holding my hand or having our knees touch. It doesn’t matter so long as he can physically feel me. He feels loved when given that contact. He feels special and cared for by me with that contact.
  • I don’t like physical contact and that is due to many factors from childhood. What can I say? I’m a girl that doesn’t do cuddling. Physical contact was not a good thing to me and still isn’t. It’s physically and mentally painful. So, physical contact is not the way to go to make me feel loved.
  • Scott doesn’t think … and I mean that in a nice way. He just is not a thinker. He takes the world and rolls with it. He is not overly cerebral (That’s my department!). He’s not one to say “sweet nothings” or compliment someone. He doesn’t verbally show appreciation. He doesn’t stroke your ego.
  • I live for verbal affirmations. They mean so much to me. I want to know what I mean to Scott via his words. I need to know he appreciates me. Needless to say, it doesn’t happen that often.

So our ways of feeling loved by each other cause some problems.

I’ve had to teach myself to, for lack of a better word, endure physical touch from Scott. It has gotten easier over the years, but I still have my limits. Scott needs this contact from me and so I worked very hard to deal with it. Scott helped me, but then he always does. He knows all about my issues and never pushes when he knows I’ve had too much.

I think it’s so important that we acknowledge and love our spouse the way that they need. We need to speak their language and help them speak ours. That means we must sacrifice our wants or needs for that of our spouse at times, and do that with sincerity and openness.I genuinely want to honor Scott by giving him the physical contact he needs to feel my love for him. Because I do love that man of mine with all I have!

Scott is still working on the verbal/cerebral part of telling me he loves me. Sometimes he needs to be prompted, which I admit sometimes makes me crazy. He is trying and that’s the point. He is working on something that is not natural and can be very hard. He loves me enough to try.

I try to be patient with him and help him. I gave him a book that had all these little written notes of affirmation for him to use whenever to help him tell me how he feels or thinks about me. I want to feel like the most amazing and most loved woman in the world. I want to know that Scott thinks and feels the same for me that I do for him and unfortunately physical contact won’t work! I need the words.

Scott thought for the longest time that touching me showed me he loved me. Truthfully it irritated me like crazy! I thought that my words of praise for my awesome husband told him how much I loved him. The words didn’t mean as much as when I would seek out his hand to hold or rub his back. It helps to know how our spouse “feels loved” because we can do that “loving” better.

What are you and your spouse’s love languages? 

What do you do to “work out” your differences in love languages?

“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” –Romans 12:10

“Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.” –Hebrews 10:24

Other verses on love – Proverbs 17:9, 1 Corinthians 13:4, 7, 13, 1 Corinthians 16:14, 2 Corinthians 6:6, Ephesians 4:2, 1 Peter 4:8, 1 John 3:18

Photo by Brooke DiDonato

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  • Nan

    Great post! I like to thing that I have a couple of love languages, lol! I can imagine how easily misunderstandings can occur between couples who don’t understand each other’s love languages. Thanks for hosting today.

    • Heather C.

      Thanks. It took us years to figure out why neither of us felt fully loved. Thankfully, friends of ours pointed out Chapman’s book and that definitely helped us more than I can ever describe. Now we have fewer misunderstandings, at least over this topic. 🙂

  • Nan

    Great post! I like to thing that I have a couple of love languages, lol! I can imagine how easily misunderstandings can occur between couples who don’t understand each other’s love languages. Thanks for hosting today.

  • Hi Heather — thanks much for sharing openly about the struggles of showing love to a spouse. When I read Chapman’s book years ago it was such an eye opener, even as I thought of how my kids or family members needed to receive love. Here’s to you and Scott growing in each others love language. And may all of our childhood factors — I wrote about one of mine today — that affected all of us little girls growing up come under the blood of Jesus Christ and pester us no more. Blessings to you and yours…

  • Hi Heather — thanks much for sharing openly about the struggles of showing love to a spouse. When I read Chapman’s book years ago it was such an eye opener, even as I thought of how my kids or family members needed to receive love. Here’s to you and Scott growing in each others love language. And may all of our childhood factors — I wrote about one of mine today — that affected all of us little girls growing up come under the blood of Jesus Christ and pester us no more. Blessings to you and yours…

    • Heather C

      Thank you for words. Reading the book was wonderful for me. We even discovered the love language for our children to better help us show them our love.

  • My husband and I are similar in “words of affirmation” but are different in our second language – he’s big on touch and am “acts of service” girl 🙂

    I love what you say here “we must sacrifice our wants or needs for that of our spouse at times, and do that with sincerity and openness.” Sincerity and openness, that’s sometimes the harder place to get to, right 🙂

    Thanks for sharing your journey

    • Heather C

      Thank you for comments. I think that it is so important to be sincere, open and genuine in our relationships. It helps the relationship maintain its health.

  • My husband and I are similar in “words of affirmation” but are different in our second language – he’s big on touch and am “acts of service” girl 🙂

    I love what you say here “we must sacrifice our wants or needs for that of our spouse at times, and do that with sincerity and openness.” Sincerity and openness, that’s sometimes the harder place to get to, right 🙂

    Thanks for sharing your journey

  • Heather C

    Thank you for comments. I think that it is so important to be sincere, open and genuine in our relationships. It helps the relationship maintain its health.

  • Heather C

    Thank you for words. Reading the book was wonderful for me. We even discovered the love language for our children to better help us show them our love.

  • Heather C.

    Thanks. It took us years to figure out why neither of us felt fully loved. Thankfully, friends of ours pointed out Chapman’s book and that definitely helped us more than I can ever describe. Now we have fewer misunderstandings, at least over this topic. 🙂

  • bluecottonmemory

    My sons roll their eyes when I start talking about Love Languages – because I have talked about it so much. Our family is big enough that each love language works in our family – I call it different ways we each need to be hugged – some physically, some with words, some gifts, some quality time. It makes a huge difference in how we are fulfilled and feel loved:) I think every new mom/dad, wife/husband needs this book, along with Boundaries and Don and Katie Fortune’s spiritual gift books:)

    • Heather C.

      Love languages helped us to understand each other so much easier and helped us to “love” our kids the way they need as well. It was such an eye opener. Boundaries is also a wonderful book!

  • bluecottonmemory

    My sons roll their eyes when I start talking about Love Languages – because I have talked about it so much. Our family is big enough that each love language works in our family – I call it different ways we each need to be hugged – some physically, some with words, some gifts, some quality time. It makes a huge difference in how we are fulfilled and feel loved:) I think every new mom/dad, wife/husband needs this book, along with Boundaries and Don and Katie Fortune’s spiritual gift books:)

  • Kim Adams Morgan

    I’m a touch person; my husband did this well when we were dating, then not so much after we were married. I loved when we did Love Languages, we both found what the other needed. My husband was surprised at one of his; I was not. It is a must for all couples. Thanks for Wedded Weds. Kim

    • Thanks for the hug, Kim, but my MM Team Member, Heather, wrote this about her life and marriage. 🙂 Although, I do have to say that my love language is not “affection” so I can relate somewhat to Heather’s issue here. Thanks for stopping by to encourage, my friend!

    • BTW, even though my love language is not affection, I like getting and giving hugs. So hugs to you, Kim! 🙂

    • Heather C.

      Love languages are so important, especially when showing each other our love. I was so happy when friends of our pointed us towards the book by Chapman.

  • Kim Adams Morgan

    Beth, I just want to hug you – LOL, just kidding! I’m a touch person; my husband did this well when we were dating, then not so much after we were married. I loved when we did Love Languages, we both found what the other needed. My husband was surprised at one of his; I was not. It is a must for all couples. Thanks for Wedded Weds. Kim

  • Heather, thanks so much for sharing about this topic. I think it’s one we all can relate to and I especially relate to your “love language.” Affection is not my love language and it’s Gary’s, plus “Words of Affirmation” is my love language, but I must say that Gary’s pretty good at that. At least one of us is getting our needs met! lol! Thanks again for taking the helm and hosting today’s Wedded Wed. 🙂

    • Heather C

      Thank you!

  • Heather, thanks so much for sharing about this topic. I think it’s one we all can relate to and I especially relate to your “love language.” Affection is not my love language and it’s Gary’s, plus “Words of Affirmation” is my love language, but I must say that Gary’s pretty good at that. At least one of us is getting our needs met! lol! Thanks again for taking the helm and hosting today’s Wedded Wed. 🙂

  • Heather C

    Thank you!

  • Heather C.

    Love languages are so important, especially when showing each other our love. I was so happy when friends of our pointed us towards the book by Chapman.

  • Heather C.

    Love languages helped us to understand each other so much easier and helped us to “love” our kids the way they need as well. It was such an eye opener. Boundaries is also a wonderful book!

  • My husband and I have the same love languages. It is so difficult for me to remember to reach out to him and hold his hand, hug him, or kiss him, but I know it communicates love most effectively. For me, the verbal affirmation is huge! It’s such a tough balance, and just being able to identify what our spouses need from us is huge!

    • Heather C.

      It is so hard at times, but so very important! I am so grateful I know Scott’s love language. I would hate for him to not get the love he needs.

  • My husband and I have the same love languages. It is so difficult for me to remember to reach out to him and hold his hand, hug him, or kiss him, but I know it communicates love most effectively. For me, the verbal affirmation is huge! It’s such a tough balance, and just being able to identify what our spouses need from us is huge!

  • Heather C.

    It is so hard at times, but so very important! I am so grateful I know Scott’s love language. I would hate for him to not get the love he needs.