Today I’m so excited to have a guest post from Ugochi who blogs at Teshuva, where she writes on God’s redemption in life and marriage in ways that really resonate with what we are about here at Messy Marriage. She is continuing our discussion on striving for intimacy and oneness in marriage. I hope you’ll make her feel welcome. 🙂
God’s intent is for couples to be glued together, not just in flesh, but spirit, soul and body. He planned the man and his wife to “be together” at all times, in all situations and in all things. Not just physically, though we all know the great importance of being physically together and spending quality time with each other, but unity in spirit and soul.
When asked if divorce was allowed, Christ said to them;
“Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?” Matthew 19:4-5
Cleave . . .
To cleave means to: adhere, cling, cohere, stick, adhere, bind, bond, hold fast, stick, stick to, to stick to firmly, to fasten with an adhesive material like glue. It could also mean to be “permanently plugged into.”
Some couples live together without actually being together. Their lives are constantly running in different directions. They know next to nothing about what is going in each other’s lives and do not care. They live together but hardly say no more than “hello” to each other, except make some superficial conversations on mostly what concerns the children or bills. They are indifferent about whatever their spouses’ are doing, where they are going and how they feel.
An unplugging has occurred.
How to know when you are unplugged or are beginning to unplug from your spouse?
- You feel more comfortable with other people than your spouse.
- You can tell your friends important things you cannot tell your spouse.
- You are often irritated or angry at and with your spouse.
- You care less about sex with your spouse.
- You devote less time to each other and more to children or work.
- You criticise your spouse constantly.
- You make sarcastic comments to and about him/her.
- You find yourself in constant conflicts.
- You completely avoid conflicts.
What causes this unplugging?
- Constant arguments.
- Blaming and naming.
- Constant criticism.
- Unresolved hurts.
When any of these is present in a marriage, there is the tendency for one or both couple to withdraw and gradually unplug.
No one would be truly happy and if there is no attempt at re-plugging, the marriage will hit rock bottom. When a spouse notices this unplug, this disconnect, it is important they discuss it, looking for solutions and how to get back “into” each other.
So how can such couple get back “together?”
“. . . Do this with humility and discipline—not in fits and starts, but steadily, pouring yourselves out for each other in acts of love, alert at noticing differences and quick at mending fences.” Ephesians 4:2-3 (MSG)
- The unplugged state must be brought up by one spouse or both couples with a solution, rather than finger-pointing in mind.
- ALWAYS listen to each other. Do not complete your spouse’s sentences or draw conclusions without seeking to understand exactly what you spouse is saying and why he/she is saying it.
- The man and his wife must lay everything bare, exposing hurts, apologising, accepting apologies and giving forgiveness.
- They must deliberately create ample time for each other.
- They should always discuss rather than argue over issues.
- They should avoid pointing accusing or blame fingers.
- They should choose to commend rather than criticise each other.
- They must agree that their marriage can be blissful and be willing to give all it takes to make it happen.
- They must refuse to give any place to the enemy in their home by filling their marriage with God’s love and joy.
A united couple makes for a joy filled marriage. Choose to be the one who initiates oneness rather than the one who causes a divide.
What are some ways you’ve reconnected with your spouse after a season of distance or being unplugged?
What fears do you have now or have had about pursuing a deeper connection with your spouse?
Now it’s time for Wedded Wednesday . . .
Find our other WW buttons and guidelines here.
And don’t forget to include a link back here, because the easier people can find me, the more traffic I can send your way!