Unhealthy Alliances – Triangulating

One of my father’s well-worn Bibles and a “red pencil.” When I was growing up, my father was a workaholic pastor. When he wasn’t visiting people (he once had a goal of visiting 80 families a week), he was busy studying his Bible—hours on end and always with his red pencil. Now, both of those […]

Rules of Engagement

Written by Heather Copple Messy Marriage Team Member Fighting and disagreeing with our spouse is bound to happen. We’re individuals who want and need different things at different times. We then share a space where privacy is not always present. We’re forced to deal with one another because we share a bedroom, house, children, and […]

Feeling the Forgiveness

I’ve talked a lot about forgiveness on this blog, because I’ve learned first hand that it’s what brings calmness out of the chaotic and messy moments that I’ve had in my marriage. And it only makes sense that it should be the foundation of marriage, since forgiveness is the foundation of what Christ did for […]

How to Defuse Anger – Part Two

In my last post, I shared that thinking you can control your spouse or “playing god” only increases anger and frustration. So if you release control to the one, true God, you’ll be able to lessen your anger. Today I want to discuss another internal problem with anger that’s very much related to the first. […]

How to Defuse Anger – Part One

When dealing with anger in a marriage—messy or not—you can take an external approach and deal with communication techniques. Or you can take an internal approach and explore thoughts and feelings in an effort to do and think about what is right or best for the relationship. Both ways are important, but today I will […]

Have You Really Forgiven Someone?

I often hear people say, “Oh, I forgave him/her.” But sometimes I doubt the truth or reality of their words. It’s not that I don’t think they’re being sincere. It’s just that I think many people believe that forgiveness is simply a decision and nothing more.  Here’s why I think there’s more forgiveness work to […]

Two Ingredients of a Mess

What’s the main difference between someone who’s messy and someone who keeps his or her house in order? (Aside from those who can afford a housekeeper!) I think it’s that the organized or neat person is willing to face pain and do the hard work required to either avoid a mess or to clean it […]

I’m Merciful to Those Who Deserve It!

Ever feel like that? It might be among the top ten sentiments in a messy marriage. And it makes complete sense, when you’ve given your spouse chance after chance to redeem him or herself and all they’ve done is disappoint you. In the middle of a mess, it seems to be the only self-preserving thing […]

Four Emotions that Heat Up Conflict

Have you ever tried to take a hot cake out of the oven without potholders? That would be crazy, right? You’d probably not only drop the cake and ruin it, but you’d also burn your hands in the process. However, if you waited until the cake cooled down, it wouldn’t be a problem to handle […]

Marriage Mistake #4 – I Fought Fire with Fire

For years, my husband and I went ‘round and ‘round when it came to conflict. He would do something that would rattle my chain, and then all of a sudden he’d notice I was being extremely quiet. So he’d ask, “Is there something wrong, Beth?” I’d say, “No, I’m fine.” {Short for – “Feelings Inside […]