Trying to unearth your spouse’s wounds? {SJT Video}

No Digging Allowed

This week on Sloppy Joe Time I’m continuing the conversation about the emotional baggage we all have and how to deal with a spouse who is unwilling to “dig up” these old wounds.

“Don’t you dare disturb them! They’re lying peacefully in their graves, thank you!”

Unfortunately, wounds don’t simply remain confined to the depths of our hearts, and you may see that since your spouse’s wounds are hurting you. So how do you approach this issue? Click on my latest SJT video below to see where to start . . .


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If you’d like to view the video at Messy Marriage’s Youtube channel or view some of the other Sloppy Joe Time videos, click here. And I’d love it if you’d subscribe to the channel while you’re there!

And if you’re interested in entering a great giveaway, then hop on over to Linda’s Creekside Ministries. She’s offering the commendable and rewarding challenge of “being on the same team with our spouses.” You go, girl! 😉


Linking up with – Marriage Mondays,  Making Your Home Sing,  Unforced Rhythms,  Sunday Stillness,  Sharing His Beauty  and  Playdates with God


  1. This was so helpful, Beth. And yes, it just might be our own hidden woundedness that is set off by a display of our spouse’s baggage. It’s just easier to see our spouse’s / kid’s / friend’s stuff and focus on that instead of looking in our own mirrors and beginning to tend to our own painful past.
    I’m always challenged to think deeper when I’m with you. Grateful, I am!

    • I’m so glad you are finding these helpful, Linda. I always feel a bit humbled when a fellow counselor/life coach appreciates my content. Thanks for always being my encourager in this endeavor, my friend! Consider yourself cyber-hugged! 🙂

  2. Andrew Budek-Schmeisser says:

    Excellent! The advice to build a supportive framework is vital.

    One thing – dealing with the specific case of combat trauma, it’s best not to dig, and certainly not to invite a “come one, let the feelings out” moment. That was the approach used in the 70s, until someone realized that catharsis led to suicide.

    Some things simply have to be carried alone.

    • Agreed, Andrew. The more we push the issue, the more it becomes a wedge between us and our spouses. It’s just not our job to “unearth” any wound that is not our own. I do think there are proper ways for the wounded individual to approach and process his/her wounds, however. I think it’s extremely important to include God and godly professionals in the process. That said, I also think wounds can heal, but scars don’t go away. And though I can see why you might say, some need to be “carried alone,” I don’t think we should carry them without the Father’s healing love constantly walking with us. I’m assuming that’s not what you meant by that. Thanks so much for stopping by, my friend. I do hope you’re doing well!

  3. This one hits home for me. I may try to persuade my husband to deal with his issues. And yep, gets me no where but disappointed. Thanks Beth

    • I’m glad, Andrea. I know your situation and would agree that it has created a very clear “tug-of-war.” It’s time to drop the rope and let God take over, girlfriend! Hugs to you!

  4. Swinging by from Laura Boggess place – have really enjoyed your videos. I’m the queen of asking a million questions and not backing off when I need to so this was good for me to hear.

    • I’m a queen of asking a million questions too. I suppose it comes from the fact that I’m a counselor/life-coach. But most spouse’s do not want to be schooled or counseled by their mate! Imagine that! ha! Thanks for stopping by, Melody! I’m glad you visited and am encouraged by your kind words.

  5. Oh so true! Back Off and I like to add “Shut Up” to my life. I have been guilty of pushing so many times but you are so right that when I give it all over to God and pray continuously for my husband and myself, God is able to work. Works in progress all the time. 🙂

    • Oh yes! We certainly can’t back off with out also disengaging our running mouths as well, Becky! Lol! We push because we hurt for our spouses and for our own hearts. These are legitimate concerns/needs but we meet them illegitimately when we play God with our spouse’s hearts! I do see lots of progress in you, my friend! Keep on trusting God! He’s got this!

  6. I always enjoy your video chats Beth. They are packed full of info and smiles. One day I might get in my car and cross the border to steal that chevron mug! But in all seriousness, I so appreciate the heart you have to help people thrive in their marriage. These words are truth. My hubby and I have walked them. It was a bumpy road, but worth going through the process of just letting God heal our own hurts and then providing a soft place, not a hard time, for each of us to stumble and fall. Love you and your heart for healing marriages! 🙂

    • Oh honey, any day with you in my driveway–no matter whether you’re stealing my cup–is a good day! Thank you for your sweet words, Nicki! You always bless me when you stop by. I’m glad to hear that you have learned this lesson and are working to be that soft place for your spouse. We just don’t realize how very impactful being that soft place can be for our mates. It’s so much better than pushing them with our questions and pressure! 😉

  7. I liked this. I remember being ‘pushed’ to do something about my very deep wounds after I had just disclosed them – it was something I was not emotionally or spiritually prepared for. And, yes, it caused resentment in me towards that other person.
    Before my husband came to the Lord, I got this little message “God will work on my husband, I needed to work on me.” I had a lot of healing to do before I could be the wife God intended me to be.
    I really appreciated how you said we need to be the soft spot for our men. This is so important. They need to know they are safe in sharing their fears and struggles with us. That we aren’t going to judge them or belittle them. Such an important point!

    • I love that message you’ve held on to, Aimee! It’s so true and yet so many of us struggle to find it and accept it. I’m glad you have. And I’m also glad that you are sharing how real this experience can be when you’re the wounded spouse. It truly is like kicking a wounded person when they are down. Only God has the gentle healing hands to soothe the ache these wounds create. And yes, being that soft place makes us our spouse’s safe place to open up when they are ready. Thanks so much for adding to the conversation, my friend! I appreciate it!

  8. Very good advice for the spouse of the wounded one. It can be very hard work.

    I tell myself I keep everything very deeply buried. But I remember a funny/horrific episode from our early relationship:

    So, it’s my wife’s house, which I moved into when we got together. Before I moved in, I had a fairly sizable stack of pr0n, so I had to throw all that out. My job was also terrible and the web had just opened up so I was spending a lot of time surfing in my office. Relationship fine, I thought.

    Months (if not years) later my wife and I were having a blazing row about something irrelevant when she told me (not in a nice way) how during that time I’d have nightmares and talk in my sleep about all the pr0n I was using. She went into just enough detail to win the row.

    Monsters from the Id