Validation Brings Healing And Linkup

Tell Me Your StoryThere’s a common thread that flows through most triggers and the wounds of our pasts. That thread can be found in the extremes.

We feel extreme pain or emotion whenever we’ve been triggered.


We go to an extreme on a continuum—into parenting mode or child/teenager mode—when we’ve been triggered.

If we can remain in the adult mode (that elusive middle ground), we are responding rather than reacting out of our wounds.

[Tweet “God’s desired destination for all of us is to grow up, be thoughtful, kind and responsible!”]

As one small way to help you and I get to that desired destination, I’ve created an inventory that will help you and your spouse identify your own triggers.

This inventory will help us to see when we are reacting in the extremes and which extreme we are gravitating toward. I believe that the more aware we are of what we are doing and how it is coming across to others, the more likely we are to take that extreme behavior or attitude “captive”—replacing it with Christ-like and adult-like responses (2 Cor. 10:5).

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” ~1 Cor. 13:11

[Tweet “That’s what I want … to put childhood behind me! How about you? #bemature”]

Click this link to snag your Identify Triggers inventory. 😉

Taking it up a notch …
Though it truly is freeing and gratifying to identify, process and find healing for our wounds, there’s something that helps make this even better—finding validation, empathy and connection through the disclosure of our wounds with our mates.

Most of the time, this cannot be done in a haphazard or casual way or we run the risk of rewounding each other and our relationship. 🙁

My husband and I have learned the value of processing the hurts we’ve committed against each other in a “reflective” way. We do this often and find it so very helpful and healing to our marriage.

But we but are newbies to processing the wounds we carry from our pasts with each other. When done with “reflection” and care, we gain amazing emotional insight and empathy into each other’s wounded worlds and validate what has gone far too long unacknowledged. It is a true turning point in our marriage. And I hope it can be for you too! 🙂

I’m providing you with the Empathy and Understanding Exercise that will provide the reflection and verbal processing that is vital to gaining clarity and validation of your wounds. If you are not married, consider doing this exercise with a close friend or relative. I truly believe you’ll find it to be very encouraging on your journey to find healing through meaningful connections.

Which extreme—parental or child/teen mode—do you gravitate toward with your mate or others?


What hesitations or hopes do you have about sharing an old wound with your mate?


Next Wedded Wednesday, following our glorious Easter weekend, I’ll be starting a new series appropriately titled, “Resurrect Me!” I will be delving into what it takes to overcome the addictions, compulsions or bad habits that keep us from experiencing the life Christ desires for us to live. I hope you’ll join me!

[Tweet “Christian bloggers, come join me for the Wedded Wednesday Linkup! #messymarriage”]

Joining with my friends at Giving Up on Perfect, A Little R & R Wednesdays, Mondays @ Soul Survival, Coffee and Conversation, Coffee for Your Heart, Sitting Among Friends, Family, Friendship and Faith, DanceWithJesusFriday and Wholehearted Wednesday.

Join our Wedded Wednesday Linkup!
Add any links that are uplifting, helpful and encouraging to our spiritual lives, marriages and families! Be sure to add a link on your blog back to Wedded Wednesday or Messy Marriage as well. For Wedded Wednesday guidelines and buttons, click here.

Messy Marriage


  • Hi Beth!

    I can’t wait to get into this post. I know there’s something in there for me.

    Thanks so much for hosting and have an amazing Holy week, Good Friday and Resurrection Day!


  • Shannon Geurin

    Hi Beth! It is my first time to visit your blog, and my first time to link up. thank you for providing the opportunity! I’m super excited to stay and look around! xoSHannon

  • Bev @ Walking Well With God

    Good stuff here! I took a look at the list for identifying triggers and began mentally checking things off. This will be a good learning tool to visit with my husband. It is truly amazing that, if not dealt with, we continue to carry forward our wounds that will continually resurface. Thank you for providing tools to help our marriages.
    Blessings and a joyous Easter to you,

  • Great healing post Beth. I love that it is simple and clear to follow and learn.’
    I often hesitate in sharing an old wound because I think I should be “grown up” by now…

  • This is the second post I’ve read today that features I Co. 13 — and I was just reviewing the chapter yesterday on my walk. It would seem that God is up to something here . . .

  • I have been looking at 1 Corinthians 13 for almost 3 weeks now. May we put our”childish” ways behind us so that we grow up to be all that we are to be in Him. We need to in these days we are living. Blessings!

  • Mary

    As always you have provided practical tools and guides to allow for healing. I think I know myself well and I do to an extent but it would be interesting to get someone else’s perspectives on triggers. Thank you for providing this space to grow relationships and to provide the tools to do that. Easter blessings my friend!

  • Beth … the exercises and worksheets that you’ve offered us are like lifelines. Sometimes we know where we want to go, but can’t quite find our way there. Thank you for the practical guidelines …

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  • It takes much risk to reveal those wounds to your spouse. In the early years, when I needed to disclose childhood trauma, I was afraid that Marcus would give up on me and leave me, saying I was too damaged, too much trouble. But he never did. Now, he helps me identify trigger areas – I’m not always receptive, though;) We have both shared our hearts with each other and we have prayed for and encouraged each other, we have spoken Biblical truth over each other. What a way to build a marriage! Certainly NOT easy, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. Great post, as usual, Beth!

  • bluecottonmemory

    My husband is such an unconditional love, water-off-a-duck’s-back kind of guy, that it is safe for me to explain why I react a specific way to certain things. For example, I’m awful in the passenger seat because I was in so many car accidents as a child. I will admit, than when teaching my boys how to drive – they weren’t very empathetic with my reasoning. However, it allowed me not to beat myself up for over-reacting as they learned to drive. You always provide such nurturing support here to better understand ourselves! Shalom, Beth! I’m looking forward to your “Resurrect Me” series!

  • Beth, your downloads are instructive and helpful tools. I recognized some patterns in our adult children too! I want to pass them on. Thanks so much!

  • Hi Beth,

    Unfortunately, I tend to go into parent mode….I think that makes me a nagging wife. :o) Thank you for sharing the emotional exercise pdf. It looks like something that can really help hubby and I peacefully and lovingly resolve issues.

    Have a blessed Good Friday and Resurrection Day!

  • Hi Beth! I printed this exercise to do with my husband. This could make our communication and ultimately marriage that much better! I love it 🙂

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  • Just downloaded your “triggers” inventory, and looking forward to your new series, Beth! Hope you had a great Easter, too <3

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