Vasectomy

Written by Heather Copple
Messy Marriage Team Writer
NewBorn

I wanted six to twelve kids when I was little.

At fourteen, I was told that I would never have children because of a birth defect. Hard blow to deal with, but by eighteen, I was okay with it. At twenty, I met future husband, Scott, and I felt the hurt a little again.
But Scott didn’t care that I couldn’t have kids. He just wanted me. Cool! We went on with life getting married and living our lives. We were content.
One day Scott came to me and asked if I would be willing to see if we could get pregnant. I agreed to try, but was not going to hold my breath. When we did get pregnant, I told Scott I wanted three kids.
Three!
Both of my pregnancies were successful but were also very, very medically dangerous and troublesome for me and for the baby. But to me it was all worth it—all the pain and discomfort. All the medicines and tests were easy to handle, because I was going to have my baby. My little Scott.
When I was ready to go for pregnancy number three, Scott said “NO!” He actually said he wanted to get a vasectomy, so there would be no chance of a pregnancy. I was shocked and hurt. I tried for several days to dissuade him, but he would not relent.
I was of two minds during this time.

As Scott’s wife, I was angry and hurt that he would not let me have “my third child. As his best friend, I supported him and made sure he did not feel alone. Unfortunately, the anger and hurt took over. I couldn’t even look at Scott, because I was so angry and disgusted at what he had forced on me.
One day my sister-in-law had enough of the family haranguing me—telling me that I did not appreciate my two children or husband enough. She told the family to leave me alone, because I was mourning the loss of a dream, the loss of a child.
That clicked!
Scott decided to be gentler and accept that it would take time for me to come to terms. He knew he needed to be my safe place to mourn.
Just recently, I realized I was afraid to verbalize to Scott that he was probably right about his decision. I was afraid he would be mean somehow about it. I decided to admit to him that the first two pregnancies were very hard and looking at it from his perspective, he was right to decide that we should not have any more biological children.
What really helped was that I felt Scott truly saw and felt how his “big mean vasectomy” hurt me. He wasn’t “in mourning” like me, but he was sympathetic to my feelings.
We all want to know that we are understood and truly “experienced” by our spouses.
In Galatians 6: 2, God reminds us to help each other carry our burdens. The problem is that only God can truly know our hearts and minds. Only God can heal the broken bits of our dreams and person. Thankfully, God understands me and heals me a little more everyday, because I release more and more of my world to him. Psalm 34: 18 says it beautifully,  
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Photo by sєαttlєчє’s (Flickr)

Today’s Post is Linked to –

Miscellany Monday @ lowercase letters
  • Kimberly

    Heather,
    Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I imagine that This is probably one of the most difficult issues for a woman and her husband to be at odds. Thanks for reminding me that when my husband says “no” to me on an issue, it’s not because he’s being all authoritative and insensitive, but because he sees the big picture and loves me too much to cater to my emotions- and I could see this great love if I would just quit pouting
    !

  • Heather

    Thanks, Kimberly! It was a hard road back but thankfully God was there with us. I believe he used my sister-in-law and her beautiful incite to help me and Scott start to heal and see a different perspective.

  • messymarriage

    This is such an important story, Heather. I know that many “messy married couples” can relate. There is great pain and loss in not being able to have children or as many children as you want. I’m so glad that you and Scott were able to come together on this issue. I’m also glad that God is continuing to heal your heart. And I can totally see how this could be very difficult to share about, but you willingly have given. Thanks so much!

  • Heather

    Thank you. It still causes some hurt. I still have trouble talking to Scott about this pain. I know though that God ‘hugs’ me and supports me when my hurts arise.

  • rboerner

    Thanks for sharing your story. It seems that I have been reminded a number of times in the past couple of weeks how God sometimes answers our prayers with a big fat NO. Unfortunately for me when he uses my husband to answer those prayers with a no, I struggle with accepting it. I also wanted to have many kids and my husband agreed to have one. It took me a long time to work through that anger and accept his answer but God has been with me through this whole “no more kids” journey showing me how to love and respect Chris in a different way. Thanks again for the reminder that God is right here with us during ALL times (good or bad) He never leaves!

  • Heather

    Thank you for commenting and reminding me that I am not the only one who has dealt with this. I have struggled with accepting this part of my life and still do some days. God has shown me how to accept the ‘noes’ in life with more decorum. And you are right, God never leaves. We are so blessed to have Him and His love!

  • carissa

    i think learning to fall under the leadership of our husband’s is a life long journey that takes tons of work, prayer and lots of tears. all for the good, though. thank you for always willingly sharing your struggles so we can see Jesus through you. xoxo!

    -carissa
    http://www.carissagraham.com

  • Heather

    Thank you for the comment. Submitting to our husbands and God is difficult at times but the benefits are wonderous.