I’ve always wanted to become and be known as a humble spouse. But for the life of me I can’t seem to grasp this elusive quality. It feels very much like chasing after a butterfly.
The more I try to capture it, the faster it flits away beyond my grasp.
Part of my problem stems from insecurity. Ironically, many people confuse insecurity with humility. But the two are mutually exclusive.
Rick Warren wisely said, “Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.”
When we’re insecure we think too much about ourselves and how inferior we are. Conversely, when we’re prideful we think too much about ourselves and how strong or right we are. Unfortunately, you can find me at both ends of this spectrum! 😉
[bctt tweet=”In order to become humble, we must turn our focus from ourselves and onto God. Find out how at MM! #humblespouse” username=”BethSteffaniak”]
Today, I want to look at two humble examples from the Bible—King David and his distant descendant Jesus.
7 Steps to Being Less Insecure and More Humble as a Spouse
Insecure spouses focus more on their outward appearance, while …
1. Humble spouses focus on the condition of their hearts.
When God sent Samuel to find Israel’s next king, Samuel thought David’s brother Eliab had to be the one based on his appearance. Not so fast …
But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” —1 Samuel 16:7
God wanted David to be the king because of his noble heart and not because of he looked noble on the outside.
Ask yourself: Do I worry more about how I appear to my mate than how my heart appears to God?
If so, your spouse will likely find you less attractive, even if you look like a supermodel!
Action step: Ask God to examine and reveal the condition of your heart and turn over any ugliness He reveals.
Insecure spouses get distracted by defending themselves, while …
2. Humble spouses persevere rather than taking things personally.
Later in David’s story, he went to where the Israelites were facing off in battle. He overheard the soldiers talking about finding someone to fight and defeat a Philistine giant named Goliath.
While there, David’s brother saw him and accused him of all sorts of wrong conduct, including being conceited.
Instead of taking this personally, David stayed focused on his next right step. And that next right step was to fight Goliath—not his brother. (See 1 Sam. 17:26-30 for more.)
Ask yourself: Do I try to defend myself to my spouse rather than doing the next right thing God wants me to do?
Action step: Next time you’re tempted to defend yourself with your spouse, choose to apologize for any hurt you’ve caused. (Whether you’ve done something intentionally or not.) Yup! Humility is hard!
Insecure spouses rely on self-improvement and/or their own strength, while …
3. Humble spouses remind themselves of what God has done in their lives.
Moving on in David’s story, he bravely offered to fight Goliath and defend God’s honor. But King Saul wanted David to wear his armor, because he was “only a boy” (see 1 Samuel 17:33-39).
David refused to wear the armor—trusting that God would defend him like He had done numerous times before!
“The Lord who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine.” —1 Samuel 17:37a
Ask yourself: Do I try to convince my spouse of how strong or right I am more than thanking God for how strong He is?
Action step: The next time you feel discouraged by your mate’s hurtful attitude, prayerfully recall the times God has helped you.
Insecure spouses focus on their fears and the chance that they might fail, while …
4. Humble spouses trust God to protect and vindicate them.
When David faced this giant, he said to him …
“You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. —1 Samuel 17:45
David then was able to kill and defeat Goliath, but only through God’s power.
If you operate out of insecurity and fear of failure, you’ll only try to defend yourself or avoid admitting your part in a marriage conflict. Instead …
Ask yourself: Am I operating more out of fear with my spouse than trusting in God’s protection?
Action step: In every conflict, surrender your fears to God and confess your weaknesses to your mate!
Insecure spouses expect their mates to fulfill and even complete them, while …
5. Humble spouses lay down their rights and serve sacrificially.
Now, let’s look at Christ’s example …
“Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!” —Philippians 2:5-8
If Jesus chose to make Himself nothing and obediently died for our sakes, then we too must follow His example.
Ask yourself: Do I try to get my spouse to meet my needs more often than I sacrifice to meet his/hers?
Action step: The next time you want your spouse to meet some desire, choose to lay that down and meet a desire in his/her life instead.
Insecure spouses try to control their spouses, while …
6. Humble spouses rely on God’s control.
Here’s how Jesus operated …
“The Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.” —Jn. 5:19
If Jesus only did what His Father wanted Him to do—leaving control up to His Father—then we can do no less.
Ask yourself: Am I trying to control my spouse more than surrendering control of him/her to God?
Action step: Identify one problematic issue you’ve tried to control in your mate. Release that issue to God and trust Him to convict and change in His divine time and way.
Insecure spouses are easily angered and hold grudges, while …
7. Humble spouses forgive because of Christ’s forgiveness.
[bctt tweet=”This is one of the areas where pride rears up most obviously. It’s also where humility can shine brightest when we respond like Christ. Find out what it is at MM! #humblespouse” username=””]
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” —Ephesians 4:32
Our motive for forgiving our mates cannot be found in correcting them or forcing them to make amends. It is only found by following Christ’s example of forgiveness because He forgave us.
Ask yourself: Am I holding something over my spouse’s head, instead of letting it go to God?
Action step: Forgive your spouse’s offenses because Christ has forgiven you.
[bctt tweet=”Find out whether you are more insecure or humble as a spouse by taking the free quiz at MM today! #questionsthatreveal #thespouseIwanttobe” username=”BethSteffaniak”]
Interested in the quiz to see how insecure or humble you are as a mate? Click here to download it, and be sure to be honest when you take it! Also, if you’d like a prayer that can help you articulate your desire for more humility in your life and marriage, then be sure to click on the image below to download this as a printable!
Click the link to read more in the series, “The Spouse I Want to Be.” And listen up, all of you perfectionistic spouses out there! Be sure to come back by next week when I’ll be sharing about how to become a more realistic spouse. You really won’t want to miss that one!
Which of these seven humble actions do you want to work on the most?
Which of the insecure characteristics is most problematic in your life?
Here are some other lovely linkups I join – Inspire Me Monday, Literary Musing Mondays, Tea and Word Tuesday, Purposeful Faith, Tell His Story, Recharge Wednesday, Porch Stories Linkup, Welcome Heart, Worth Beyond Rubies Wednesday, Encouraging Word Wednesday, Sitting Among Friends, Destination Inspiration, Tune in Thursday, Heart Encouragement, Moments of Hope, Grace and Truth, Faith and Friends, Faith on Fire Friday, Fresh Market Friday, and DanceWithJesusFriday
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